When parents do not accept who their children are or what they have to offer, the children may feel excluded from the intimacy of their parents' life. Forever knocking on the door without being able to get in, such children remain bound to their parents. If parents are in distress but still do not permit easy access in and out of their emotional lives, it is very difficult for their children to free themselves from the chains that bind.
As many attempts to give something of value come to a dead end in one who cannot or will not receive care, a child's hopes to be of special use to the parent are compromised. When each wish to give of himself and to be included in the parent's inner life has been constricted by numerous rebuffs and has nowhere to go, the child is confronted with the predicament of knowing about the parent's unhappiness and wishing to affect it without being able to do so.
Such children, however, do not give up on their caretaking task so easily. On the contrary, they become increasingly desperate to be included in the parents' life so they can be released to finally embark on their own developmental path. As their frustration mounts and their wishes to offer their services intensify, the attention of these children becomes ever more fixed on the parent's emotional state.
Despair and the Return of Hope by Peter Shabad
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