But for the grace of God...

Thank you Streak, Sarah, PsycGrad for your comments. They do help and I often found myself reading them when I began to succumb to the irrational thought that I am crazy and that I should be able to handle all of this much, much better and completely on my own.

My mentor is doing well. He's "toddling" and joking. He's having to relearn stuff, but his humor, his personality is there. His left side is much compromised, but I've been able to see him a lot and we've been able to talk. He calls me his daughter and makes me cry.

My college roommate was in town over the weekend. It was good to bring my best friend from TN together with some of my best friends from IL. It helps make the transition seem better and more fluid. And my friend from TN and I caught up reconnected and drank beers on Lake Michigan on a boat (we weren't navigating, it was a lake cruise you pay for). Thank you God for Leininkugel Berry Weiss and cheap Champagne.

I leave for Europe tomorrow, and I've never needed so badly to get away and to let myself rest and explore and recapture the wonder of God and creation. My mentor has been having a very spiritual experience throughout his strokes. Dreams of God stripping away his pride, asking hymns to be sung, and speaking of what it was like to lie in his backyard for 1/2 an hour near death and how dim this earth looks compared to what lies beyond. It's moving and powerful and good for my often fragile and doubt filled faith in what God is up to in this world.

As I go on my trip, I have to accept that God will take care of all the gaps I fill in my regular life and let go of the pride of thinking that people will go uncared for in my absence. I'm leaving a friend to deal with all of her friends disappearing at once, another is having serious heart problems, and then, my mentor and his family. All of these people do their turns supporting me, too, and I am sad to be off having a great time while I know that they need me like I have so needed them in other times (um, like right now).

What I have learned during the past week plus is that love and relationships are all that matter. I hope my trip makes me able to love more people better. That's my goal.