The Nature of God

So, I was back home in Tennessee last week, where 98% of my blood relatives live. Over dinner, my brother, his girlfriend, and I were having a conversation about the nature of God. My brother always has been a perfectionist. He'd tear up his own drawings even when he was a toddler, because they weren't like what he saw in his head, of course. He even once told my Uncle that "I know about more things than my mama knows" at the ripe old age of four.

But all the same, we got to talking about how we view God. Both my brother and I view God, The Father, as punitive. He is ultimately displeased with our depravity. What we have to offer is never good enough. He doesn't like us unless we're trying hard enough. Since we can never try hard enough, God is never pleased with us.

Now, the difference is that over the last two years, I have learned (and talk about nearly every week in my own personal therapy) that God is not only just but merciful and loving. God delights in me. He loves me. He is my refuge and peace. Now that I know that...I'm trying to believe. Having an even harder time experiencing it.

Now, brother's girlfriend, who grew up in a nominally Christian family, experiences God as that refuge and peace. She didn't seriously come to be a Christian until a few years ago. God, He is her lover. So, what is it that my brother and I learned in the Church, from our parents, etc. that we both internalized God as this punitive force to be feared? I can see how we got some of it from my parents...and I definitely see how we got it in church. It makes me sad, but also knowing that I know better due to the journey God has led me on for the past two years is nice. Kinda confirms He is there and he does love me. But I don't experience that yet.


Another discussion we had, at the same dinner, is about how one can KNOW one knows God. See, my brother got off on this lie that my Church growing up told me. That lie is that "Faith is not a feeling, it's a fact." (We would sing it, like a game, stand up, sit down, for every word beginning with F). Well, telling someone with my personality to divorce feelings from your faith is like telling me to cut off my left hand and write a letter.

But my brother claimed that our faith is held in our rational mind, and is not to get boogered up by all those tricky feelings. At this exact moment, I began to see how God has been working to dispel these bad theologies and beliefs through my theological and psychological education. So, I asked my brother...

1.) So, we're all fallen, right? Yeah.
2.) And our falleness is pervasive, affecting our minds, right? Yeah.
3.) So our feelings are more fallen than minds? And God gave us feelings, but they aren't part of being made in his image? Well..good point. Something to think about.

Now, I don't know how much my feelings and my rational mind play into my faith, but I know that they are both important. And that the Holy Spirit is that small still voice that works through my emotions...A LOT more often than I give him any creedence in my hyperactive "rational" mind.

And that's all I have to say about that.

So, go on over here...

Adam has one hell of a post over here. For anyone struggling to overcome the lack of genuiness in the Church, you'll appreciate this.

Mahna Mahna!

Please tell me that you remember this! From the Muppets Show, remember? I've been listening to it nonstop, it is joyfully stuck in my head. My husband and I walk around going "Mahna Mahna!" do do do "Mahna Mahna!" Bobbing our heads, etc.

Have a listen Mahnamahna/

I like to get dirrrrrrrrrrrrrty...

I was gardening today. Well, as much as one can garden with two window boxes, two 2 gallon pots, and a third floor balcony that is also occupied by a gas grill. For what it was worth, I gardened. I have these fancy little gloves I wear when I garden. Well, they're canvas and have those little green grip dots all over them. I bought them to keep from getting dirt under my fingernails, a past time which I am quite good at even when I'm not elbow deep in decomposed, er, dung.

But, I decided that I don't like my cutesy little Ace Hardware 3 dollar gloves. I like having dirt under my fingernails. I like feeling the sensation that is both cold and warm, dry and wet, all at the same time. So I didn't wear my gloves. And my neighbors across the way watched me the entire time. Such is my life.

(And I still have dirt under there..it just won't come out...)

Interviewed by my partner...

So I'm participating in another meme. This one is a bit different, in that instead being tagged to participate, this one requires that you tag yourself, like I did on my hubby's blog.

The rules are as follows:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "Interview me." "Blow me" or "Eat me" are not acceptable substitutes.

2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different. I'll post the questions in the comments section of this post.

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. Got it? You have to ASK to be interviewed, and I promise I will try and be clever without asking you to reveal your sexual history or anything.

So, yeah, this is an exercise in utter self-inflation and narcissism, but I like that sort of thing sometimes. No one cares what I think about these topics. But that's the entire point of blogging, I guess.

1) Where do you see yourself in five years?

Wow, that's a loaded question coming from your own spouse. Let's see, five years. I'll have my doctorate by then (I pray to God!) So, I hope to have found somewhere in the Southeast for us to settle down, having purchased or be looking to purchase a home. (Maybe that Victorian dream home I've always wanted?) I would like to have a little one, or one on the way. Maybe in the process of adopting a child from overseas, or a child of color from the States, like we've talked about.

I would like to be practicing psychology in a clinical setting with adolescent and young adult women, and possibly teaching a bit. With all the writing I'm doing, I better darn well be published by then. I would like to be in the process of setting up my nonprofit for kids...or working at a free clinic some, definitely doing something to give back to the community.

By that time, we will have been married 8 years. I hope that our relationship would continue to be strong and healthy. I want to feel more comfortable in my own skin by then. To be healthier and more productive, as a human being. To better know who I am in Christ at that point, I see myself being less ambivalent and angry all the time about issues of faith and practice as a Christian.


2) What's your favourite book and why?

Oh goodness. What a cruel question. Let's go with fiction. Cold Sassy Tree by Olive Ann Burns. This was the first book that opened my eyes to the fact that the way I grew up in the rural American south was unique. That having a huge extended family that I knew very well made me different, and that such a lineage was something to be appreciated and preserved. But it also helped me see the damaging portions and attributes in my culture such as the gossip, focus on appearance, back biting, pettiness, etc.

3) If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?

To be completely honest and incredibly shallow, I'd be at my ideal weight. I really did not have to think about myself as much when I was thin. I didn't think about what I wore. I didn't think about what I looked like. I just got up and went and did, and I did more. I felt better physically and mentally, even emotionally. So, that would be it. Sad, but true.

4) What have you missed (and not missed) about Tennessee?

I miss *some* of our friends. I miss big trees and wide open spaces. Of knowing that most people were only a phone call and an hour away. The accent. The way most people smile, talk in line at the grocery store, and will wave even if they don't know you. McKay's bookstore.Insanely cheap yard sales. Beautiful mountains, huge hills, flowing streams. Deciding to go hike or camp on the spur of the moment. People don't spend money just because they have it. A marked abscence of suburban culture. Mild winters. Cheap rent.

I don't miss: rednecks, being looked down upon for drinking alcohol, closed minded bigots, the flag in church, praising the religious right. No recycling facilities. Not having Ikea. Total insenstivity to anything doing with social justice, the environment, or activism. My inlaws. My family being in our backdoor. Being expected to be at every family event. Knoxville traffic. The air pollution (It looks so much worse even now compared to last year). The churches we had to choose from. Being scrutinized for every pound gained or lost (largely by my family). 90% humidity.

5) How many days can you go without killing your parents?

Hmm, now that I've differentiated more, and that I speak my mind even when it contradicts them, I feel less homicidal. I've been bored here, but not because my parents are driving me nuts. I just miss you and I like our life better.

Oh, my parents aren't less annoying. I just don't let them get to me as much. It feels nice. Like I"m the one in control and not just a pawn in some game. But, I will say that today my mother confirmed what I'd always known: She doesn't think I'm feminine enough. And she always wanted a really "girlie" daughter. That hurts, but it's her problem, not mine.

That's about all.