Impatient, again. Am I sensing a theme in my life?

This whole internship process just takes SO long. Last spring, about April, I started look at the online database to determine where I would apply. Huge spreadsheets were made with all the contact info, as well as notes on what makes that site appealing.

Fast forward to July, when (during studying for my written comps) I revised my vita and submitted my recommendation letter requests with a tentative list of sites to my department. August was spent further narrowing and refining that list. September, October, and November were spent writing essays, filling out the 20 something page application, gathering transcripts and making psych reports anonymous, and photocopying and more photocopying, and more photocopying followed by spending a pension at the post office.

For much of late November and early December, I waited. Waited to hear about interviews, as I waded through rejections. For one week in December, I did nothing. Then it was off to interviews. I traveled for long expanses of time from December 28th through January 25th. Then, I had about two weeks to obsess with my husband about now we should rank the 10 sites where I interviewed. My neuroses kicked in and I decided that I almost would rather have my second choice rather than my first choice, because then I feel at least I didn't choose it...God, the system, and National Matching Services made my decision for me.

I enter my rank list of 8 of the 10 sites where I did interview, but then just before the deadline switch my number 3 and my number 4. Then February 6th ended, and things were left where they were.

So since that date, I've waited. The waiting killed me when I was wanting to know if I got interviews. Now the waiting is killing me, yet again. I had been pretty damn chill about all of these past few weeks, until some switch in my brain turned over yesterday. Now, I. AM. DYING. TO. KNOW.

So, on Friday, February 22nd, 2008, I will wait to see if I have matched. Then I will live every moment for the next Monday morning, when I find out where!

Then there will be a huge let down, I'm sure.

Glimmers of hope...

It has been a bleak and difficult time lately. I have more to do than humanly possible. There are classes that frustrate and leave me unfulfilled. Difficult and hurtful crappy situations permeate the lives of others whom I love. There are work relationships that make even simple tasks difficult. Clients have crises, push boundaries, or are doing good work that is still hard. My Granny is very very ill (she was in ICU on Monday until Tuesday morning) and in the hospital, while my parents, aunts, and uncles rally around her to combat her illness, unkind and neglectful hospital staff members, and their own struggles with the same brutal stomach flu. I am far away and feel helpless to support all of them.

My mother's church has the rumblings of discontent, some of it directed at her. In 10 days, my husband and I find out the fate of where we will be living next year, and then will have to face the losses associated with wherever we live. Marriage is rewarding but hard, and requires more work than not right now. I struggle with feelings of anxiety and depression amidst and seemingly endless winter that is more brutal and snow filled than I care to deal with.

But today, today was good. I am encouraged by how my family comes together during a time of crisis. How sacrificial and loving they all can be for the sake of a single member or the overall family. That my husband surprised me not only with a dozen roses, but with a card listing 100 reasons why he loves me, real reasons that one could only know after nearly 8 years together. Reasons that are idiosyncratic, intimate, and truthful. For friends who support and listen and laugh and love me, and let me do the same for them. Mentors and supervisors who invest in me and make time for supporting me amidst hard and difficult times. For making progress on dissertation and coming closer to closing a big chapter of my life in a way that feels rewarding and complete.

I am thankful for God, whose grace permeates even the darkest of places and the driest of deserts, and who knows of all types of suffering and sits well with me in it. A God who repeatedly welcomes me back, despite my continual betrayals and affairs. In this season of Lent, I am called to repentance and long long long for the joy of redemption and resurrection.

Destruction, everywhere.

While here in Chicago we're facing crazy snow, friends and family in Tennessee have had a really life altering encounter with the weather.

Macon County in Middle Tennessee, was especially hard hit. Lafayette (luh-Fay-it), TN, home to my close friend and college roommate Christy and her sister Holly, was nearly obliterated. Her parents are fine, but entire portions of the town are gone, and her father and his colleagues who work at the funeral home are inundated and overwhelmed. The death numbers you see on the Internet are actually considerably larger than is being reported right now.

There was a gas plant that was hit by a tornado, resulting in 400 ft flames that were seen for miles. There is no electricity, and a severely damaged infrastructure.

Here are some pictures.


Prayers are appreciated and much needed for all those being negatively impacted by the tornadoes.

In the words of one person from Lafayette:

"But for the grace of God go I..." I am a resident of Macon County. My family home is approx. 6 miles from Columbia Gulf Gas and 4 miles from Akersville road in Lafayette where the most massive destruction occurred. As my children huddled in the pantry, my husband and I watched from the front window as the gas company exploded illuminating the night sky. Through the light from the fire, we were able to see the wall cloud and rotation just above our home. As we took shelter with our children, we were certain that there would be massive destruction. Thank God we were spared. Please remember the families that have lost homes and loved ones. Lafayette is a very small, close knit community filled with wonderful families. A loss of 10 lives here is like losing hundreds of lives in a larger city. The impact of this storm has been devastating and it will take many years to rebuild and many more to heal.

I'm gonna be famous.

I got this from one of the staff blogs at my church. I created a CD cover for a new album for my new band based on this random formula. The name of my band is "AJ Suggs" The Album is called "Be Better Than Yourself" and this is the CD cover:













Random CD Cover Rules:

1. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

2. www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Curmudgeonly

This is how I'm feeling. When one feels this way the only proper response is to talk about for what I am thankful. These days I feel so negative, jilted, and focused on the negative.

I am thankful:

•For the beautiful roses that I bought for myself sitting on the sideboard. Every time I pass them, I literally stop to see/smell/feel/experience the roses. It’s a fleeting moment of centering that I so need right now.

•The closet in our office is organized and neat.

•The exercise of climbing a hill over and over and over only for the joy of zooming down it on a sled with my husband this evening. The cold body, wet pants, snow in the face, tingling skin feeling of winter fun.

•Having so many good choices about internship that I can say no to some sites, and still feel like next year is a gift, with or without an internship.

•Two cats named Zuzu and Pippin who snuggle in my lap.

•For the opportunity to feed, change, burp, and put a baby to bed this week.

•That I have the luxury of having someone else clean my home during this crazy time in my life.

•For having so many friends whom I love and who love me.

•For a husband who does the taxes. And laundry. And the dishes.

•For new people, old people, happy people, sad people, and all types of people who are in our lives.

•For clients who are discovering themselves and who let me weep, cry, laugh, pray, and walk on this journey with them.

•For rain.

•That I get to study something I absolutely am passionate about.

•I have plenty of food, a warm home, clothing, and books.

•I am beloved.

•Travel.

•A moment’s peace, a family who loves me incompletely but adequately, and an existence that feels purposeful.

•For the words of God, that I have accessible to me, and that can speak regardless of my lack of understanding of theology.

•For my body.

•For faith in the midst of doubt.

•For rest, sleep, and surrender.