They Say I'm Supposed to Know

You know, we tend to think, or at least I do, that one day we'll have it all figured out. You know, that direct line to God that our parents seemed to have will magically appear in our lives and we, too, will be able to make decisions without all of this self-indulgent ambivalence.

Evidentally, this is never going to happen. Damn. I am so busy trying to figure out what to do with my life. Anxiety, fear, disbelief, and anger flood me as I try to know where God wants me and my husband. These weren't supposed to be a part of the package that they told me about in Sunday School.

One thought that has gotten me through is the following prayer by Thomas Merton:

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead
of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am
actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact
please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I
will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you
will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore
will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face
my perils alone.
- Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"