It's official. I'm one of "them." Them being therapists. Yip, and a psychodynamic, tell me about your mother, type therapist. Plus I work with children. This officially earns me a place on the "You must be a fruit loop to be in this career" list. (I think that list is published by U.S. News and World Report.) Psychodynamically oriented child psychologists are number three on the "You must be a fruit loop to be in this career" list right behind Psychic (#2) and Natural Foods Store Owner (#1). Let's not even add in my integrative training that incorporates Christian Theology and Psychology.
As my practice with children has grown, I have been increasingly worried and confused by the faith that parents put in me. They bring their families, their progeny, and ask me to fix whatever problem they perceive. I find this incredibly fascinating. Well, for one matter, I. HAVE. NO. CHILDREN. Also, they don't know me from Eve. They just trust that some school somewhere taught me how to undo some of the mucking up that they've mucked up. The fact that I'm a Christian is bonus enough for others.
So I have middle aged moms call me while their 7 year olds have meltdowns and they ask me what to do. So I call my supervisor and ask her what to do. So she asks me what I would say if I didn't call her. I say something rational and obvious that I thought was common sense. Supervisor tells me to call back mom who is melting down and say that. I do. Mom does it. Child stops melting down. I'm amazed and confused how this all happened. I guess I need to accept the fact that *gasp* I've learned something in the past three years of graduate school. (Then I ask, "Where is dad?")
I wonder if they truly knew that I am a 25 year old graduate student who has trouble getting up early enough to pack her own lunch if they'd still trust me with their secrets and the well being of their children.
More worrisome are the bone head things that parents say to me. For example:
"Well, yes, we argue all the time as a couple and our marriage is falling apart. That's not affecting our children, though."
"So and so [book, church leader, friend] says that spanking our child with a wooden spoon is supposed to work and is a Biblical model for discipline. What do you think of that?"
"Well, James Dobson said that..."
"Every problem in our family is the fault of a 4 foot, 5 inch, 65lb, eight year old with a strong will. She/He is just impossible, nothing that works for the rest of the world's children works with him/her."
"I know you gave my child a full test battery, interview, school observations, and other measures that all point out that if my child actually slept 8+ hours a night, ate something other than McDonalds everyday, and didn't sit in front of the TV/Computer/Nintendo from 3 until Midnight that they may actually be able to pay attention during class. But..are you SURE he/she doesn't have ADHD?"
Now, I'm not completely down on parents. I meet tons of worried well white people (welcome the the Suburbs!) who aren't doing a bad job, who love their kids, and who need to understand that the ONLY thing you have to do to make sure your kids turn out okay is love them. That's a tall enough order to be incredibly difficult, yet not impossible. I promise that if your children aren't #1 in their class, don't play 6 sports, and have fewer brand name clothes than their friends, they'll probably be MORE well adjusted, not less.
Finally, the most bizarre comments I get are from guilty Christians who know that because of my agency and the school I attend that I am a Christian. On our intakes we always ask about religious and cultural issues. I'm waiting for the day when someone actually responds with something other than the Sunday School answer. Because I'm a Christian, working in Christian agency, people assume that I'm judgmental or have some yardstick in my head where I'm saying to myself "Hmm, they don't go to church anymore, they're BAAAAAAAAD parents."
Interesting comments that have occurred go something like this:
"Did you pick out that lovely hymns station downstairs on the radio? You must have!" (ARe you kidding me? I snuck Sufjan Stevens into the CD tray until someone figured out what I'd done...)
"Well, we're Christians, but we're not good ones." (I've never met a good Christian, and I typically haven't met many that I even LIKE.)
"Pastor [Insert White Male Name] says that we should only see a fellow Christian who believes as we do. Let's ignore the cognitive dissonance that we feel because you, a woman, obviously are not following the Biblical mandate to not work outside the home, because we're desperate and there are very few male child psychologists. Just don't have a baby while we're in therapy and we might be able to deal with this."
I love my work. I even love the parents I work with and the children even more. I just continually must vent my frustration with how evidently procreating can cause the most sane and rational of adults to leave their brain on the bathroom sink each morning. It makes me worry that one day I'll be on the phone with my kid's therapist asking if it's okay to put my child in time out, or should I spank her with a wooden spoon because some white guy who went to a seminary says so. *Sigh*
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3 comments:
i'm afraid to say much...being a parent of 2 children who have already been in therapy and they are not even teens yet.
while i have not asked our dr if i should spank them with a spoon, there have definately been times, several in fact, when she says something and i feel like slapping my hand to my forehead with a good homer "doh!"
i haven't a clue if our therapist has kids or not. it doesn't really matter, because sometimes i need someone to point out the obvious answer that is setting right before me and yet i just can't see it myself.
i don't know that i'd be great about taking advice from a 25 year old--i do suffer from agism at the moment--it simply hurts my ego to turn to someone younger for advice. that said, i swear that half of being a parent is coming to grips that no one thinks of one's self as a grown-up (not many anyway) and no one out there has "the answers" the fun is in the questions, but occasionally we need some reigning in and advice from a neutral party, even better if they are educated--atleast then we can believe, or at least hope, that they know something we do not. and know what? i am sure you do!
when do we get to hear about the conference? ;)
It is interesting to see that parents are more concerned with their own beliefs, and how they come across to relative strangers, than how well they are doing as parents. I think that you are exactly right when you said that "the ONLY thing you have to do to make sure your kids turn out okay is to love them." In the long run, it isn't the after-school activites that they will remember. They will remember being important in their parents' lives.
You mentioned how one parent has said "we argue all the time as a couple and our marriage is falling apart. That's not affecting our children, though." According to Elizabeth Marquardt, in her book "Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce," children are much better off if the parents stay together, even if they do bicker. The children probably notice the tension, but handle that much better than their parents splitting up. While marital problems such as infidelity or abuse are certainly reasons to leave a marriage, most (about 2/3) of divorces end low-conflict marriages. The parents divorce because they are unhappy or unfulfilled, or have other problems that are seriously threatening.
While some parents believe that it is the arguing and tension that is detrimental to the kids, in fact the children fare worse after divorce because the divorce marks their first exposure to a serious problem. Instead of one home, one family unit, one set of values, they suddenly live between worlds, constantly struggling to make sense of it all. They lose the sense of protection provided by stable parents.
I wonder if many of the parents you deal with realize that perhaps all the child needs is the knowledge to know she is loved and will be taken care of. In these low-conflict marriages, if the couple sticks it out just five years, more than likely their marriage will improve. The children's lives, and their lives, will be better off. Perhaps your clients shouldn't worry so much about what church hymns they should be listening to and instead worry about how to build a loving environment in which to nurture their kids.
Hear hear, Meg! Well said and I agree with every last word. You're dead on about the research and what it shows!
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