What we do to ourselves...

Before coming to graduate school, and for a period during school, I have worked at various psychiatric hospitals with children and adolescents. It's an interesting place to work, to say the least. You get front row seats to some of the greatest triumphs in individuals lives, and sometimes to tragedies that make your heartache with the painful realities of a broken world. But one thing is constant, for the first two days everyone believes that they don't belong in the psych hospital.

Many people, especially parents and teens, seem to think if a kid isn't psychotic, then the hospital isn't a place for me/my kid/anyone who isn't apeshit crazy. But that just isn't the case. Of course, there are those people at the hospital that are completely off the wall. At one hospital, the staff put two psychotic men who each thought he was Jesus in a room together to argue. The argument went on for quite a while. The final resolution was that they decided one was the heterosexual Jesus, the other was the homosexual Jesus. The even more interesting thing was that neither ever claimed to be Christ, but that theological nuance seemed lost on most of the staff.

Back to my greater point. Suicide, especially with adolescents, is with high probability attempted/committed by those teens who seem "okay." They probably laughed at the joke at lunch today, had dinner with their mom/dad/friend, and did their homework. Nothing probably seemed out of place, except a deep nagging feeling somewhere in a parent/caring adult that said, "Eh, maybe I'm wrong to think that they need therapy. Today, he/she seemed happy. She even laughed."

But the sad truth is, that adolescents send subtle signals that they desperately want their parents to pick up on and act on. Not that they're going to act all happy about it when the parent puts his or her foot down or takes some action. Overall, the majority of adolescents with whom I work feel desperately abandoned. Although his study is somewhat flawed, I really think Chap Clark is on to something in his book, Hurt

So what can parents do? Well, first of all, talk to your damn kids!! Ask them how they are doing. Most of all children need mirrors, people who reflect back to them how they are appearing. So saying things like, "You've seemed sort of down or depressed lately, what's going on?" or let a teen know things about him/herself, "You really seem to be good a finding the relationships between different parts, that would really help you in *insert relevant passion/interest here*."

If your kid does things like oh, asking to go to therapy...TAKE THEM! This isn't some attention ploy, most likely. Nope, the kid is being proactive enough to ask for help when they need it and aren't receiving it elsewhere.

Finally, while there is a subset of parents out there that are too controlling, most in this society are just too distant. No matter how much they groan about it, your child needs to know that you care, that you'll protect them when they get in over their head, and that you love them!! If you never say it, you can't just assume that they know. Good grief!

All in all, teens who are depressed and suicidal can really appear to have it together. Don't be a parent or concerned adult who lets your denial of "this can't be happening to my child/youth/family" get in the way of acting boldly. Asking your kid if he or she has ever thought of suicide isn't going to make them run out and do it. Ask! Tell her or him they could tell you if they felt that way!

*The inspiriation for this story was a happy ending, not a sad one.