Sadness...

This week, ideas about women in the ministry have been all over the blogosphere. We've been discussing with Natalie, Kristen, Zalm, and even over here a few months ago. And it's easy for me to get riled up, angry and indignant. But, for me, I am usually not pure enough to have any truly righteous anger. But I am learning to know hurt, true anvil on the chest, hurt and sadness. And a conversation today made me sad, very sad.

My older brother and only sibling, who is an amazing man, turns 28 on Wednesday. He was my role model growing up. I adored him, as many younger siblings do. He helped teach me how to throw a softball, play football, let me play football with his (male) friends (even on his all guys flag football team in college). He never dumbed himself down to compete with me. It was always full force. I never got kid gloves because I was a girl. If anything, he'd be the one to get pissed off and exploit the stupidity of the other teams that would assume they didn't have to defend against me. The same goes for intellectual debate, my brother never dumbed it down for me. He also never denied that, frankly, I'm better than him academically, that I am an awesome teacher, and that I could do anything that I wanted or felt called to do.

Now, we're all grown up. He still lives 700 miles away in Tennessee, has his master's degree in Environmental Engineering and works for a Fortune 500 engineering firm. He's no dimwit, that's for sure. He read Einstein one summer for FUN. Our relationship has always been built on respect. We even went to the same undergrad and had weekly dinners to make sure that we remain close.

So, tonight, we were having a theological discussion. We had an actual 45 minute conversation, which is miracle length for big bro. I brought up corporate sin, and he had never heard of it. (I hadn't either oh..three years ago). He disagrees that God is going to hold each of us accountable for something that isn't individual sin. I disagree, but considering my brother's very communal approach to life, especially on environmental issues, and his constant disdain for America's overindulgence, I can agree to disagree.

We mutually agreed that our faith background twisted us to fear God. We talked about how both of us truly struggle with solitude and a deep sense of shame in the presence of God. He told me what he is teaching in his (SBC) Sunday School class, and it sounds like really great stuff. My brother lives a life I wish I could live, struggling through is doubt, tithing regularly, volunteering with the homeless, and the type of man that makes others just like him, naturally.

But then we got on the topic of women in the ministry. I mentioned the info from Natalie's blog that some SBC missionaries aren't letting women teach men in any context. And there was silence on his end of the phone. Long pause. "Well, I don't know Nicole.." He did say that he wasn't sure but as the conversation went on, it was clear that my brother doesn't think that the leaders of the SBC are too far off on this one.

And my heart hurts that a man who is so egalitarian in his relationship with his girlfriend(she's in vet school, for cryin' out loud), who helped me to become a strong woman, doesn't think that I could be called to ministry.

I said something about feminism and egalitarianism, something about women and men being equal. Brother says that women and men aren't equal. And my heart sank more.

I don't know if it's shown on my blog here, but over the past several months, I have been feeling strongly called to teaching within the context of the church and have been trying to discern what this means through some prayer and scripture reading, and a bit of spiritual guidance. Still, I am really hurt by the fact that my brother can't affirm the one area in my life that brings me the greatest sense of meaning and purpose. He can't..or won't..see me as anything other than deficient, in my eyes.

I hate that my femaleness is seen as shame and not glory. That my leadership seen as sin rather than giftedness. My calling seen as self promotion rather than the work of God in my life. That who I am, how God made me, may never be affirmed by one of the very people that guided me to be where I am, who I am, and helped me face the fear of seeking God's will on my life.

Praise God, my parents, though sometimes warped and fallen like all of us, do not feel this way. There were mixed messages in my family...messages to be docile and manipulative, but not powerful in the face of a powerful mother who is in the ministry. But when it comes down to it, my father and mother have mellowed and support my calling, and that women are appointed to positions of leadership by God. They believe that men and women submit to one another, not one to the other.

Yes, I see the contradiction in my brother's life and philosophy, but I can't fix them. I can pray. I can talk to him. Maybe one day I might be able to coherently share with him how he hurts me, and I'm working on that. But tonight, I am sad.