I know that this goes against the sensibilities of all those of you out there in the world who grew up in conservative traditions like I did. You know, that psychology is evil, all you need to know about people you learn in the Bible, Freud is godless and psychodynamic must be, too, all you liberals want to blame your parents, yada yada bullshit.
But all of that IS wrong. Before psychology commandeered the care of souls, the Church had a large tradition of caring for people, with many of the same ideas that are found in psychodynamic theories (maybe, one day, I'll quantify that statement with a post).
Psychology today, really, truly acts in the role of the Church, doing what the church no longer does. The way in which Christians have preempted cultural expectations and norms has led us as a body (in this nation, at least) to be harried, busy, and in denial of our most basic existential struggles and physical and emotional pain. Especially in evangelicalism, the church is no longer a sanctuary. It's not a place where the world slows. Where art inspires. Where the hurting of the world can convalesce, eat a healthy warm meal, and seek healing in the unhurried structure of a simple life.
Because of this absence of care for persons...for souls...in the church, the only place where one can take a vacation from the world would be one hour in your therapist's office or a psych hospital. Because we, the Church, have bought into the productivity lie, we measure ourselves. And we measure our productivity in breadth, not in depth. In numbers, not relationships. In people, not souls.
Alan Jones, in the introduction of his book Soul Making, sets forth that our one purpose in this world is "to discern our true worth and the One who bestows it." For only after we are loved do we know what love is in order to give it to others. Imagine saying that at your small group. I hope you can, but every small group I've been too would find that laughable. "I'm just trying to discern my true worth and God who bestows it. Until I get that, I'm not really ready to give much to the (insert ministry here.)" Mmm hmm...
I'm just now rounding a bend where I even fill I am full enough to give ANYTHING. Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I gave. I gave even when I was empty. I think that along with high school valedictorian, I was trying to be valedictorian of church committees. I had never sought to know that I am beloved, or to know the one who makes it so.
For the past 5 years I have given exactly zero to a ministry on a regular basis. The first two years, I was so confused, depressed, and neurotically busy trying to avoid the still and quiet that I needed that I nearly thought I was never going to be normal again. I feared the silence. It would consume me, I thought. The negative thoughts I believed God thought about me, and the negative thoughts I thought about me would literally eat me alive, I would open the flood gates or the dam would burst, and I feared that I would drown in all that had been held back. The anxieties, the neurosis, the being so damn perfect all the time, the hiding, the everything.
But, being surrounded by others who had stillness in their souls slowly wore me down. I came to a point when I had to decide to let the stillness consume me or lose the hope of sanctuary forever. To listen to all the lies so that I could realize the Truth. I spent the next 3 years listening and learning to be beloved. To exude beloved. To believe that I am God's beloved. God wishes not that I lose another pound, that I make a better grade, that I do one more deed, that I have sex more often with my husband, that I clean my house more often, that I take care of yet one more person. Those have been 3 LOOOOONG years. Painful years. Years of silence, slowness. Of falling back into old patterns, and then stopping and removing myself from them. The transition has been all encompassing. It has involved relationships, friendships, music, art, books, school, some church, family, work, therapy. All those realms both affected and were affected by this transformation.
How did this transformation come about? I'd love to say my church, which was a small part of the puzzle, a reinforcer of sorts. But truly, it was psychology and a group of contemplative Christians who have found a home in psychology and therapy because the Church has nowhere else for them to go. My psychology professors have cared for me more than any pastor ever has. They have pastored me, shepherded me, or whatever you want to call it. But they sat and were not bothered by my messes. They didn't fix my messes, but were compassionate yet firm and truthful.
So, I am beloved. No debating its being tattooed just above my ass. And I'm ready to jump back into ministry. Yet, God says wait. Wait some more. I have more to teach you about Me and how beloved you are. It both thrills my soul and frustrates me. The frustrated part is really just concerned about what everyone else is going to think, because I now would give anything to keep tasting the goodness of God and being his beloved.
Jones, in his book is looking for a creative third way to be a Christian, and so am I. He quotes Walker Percy in The Second Coming:
And if the good news is true, why are its public proclaimers such assholes? And the proclamation itself such a weary used up thing?...as unacceptable as believers are, unbelievers are even worse...[the unbeliever] is in fact an insane person....the present day Christian is either half-assed, nominal, lukewarm, hypocritical, sinful, or, if fervent, generally offensive and fanatical. But he is not crazy. The present-day unbeliever is crazy as well as being an asshole--which is why I say he is a bigger asshole than the Christian. Because a crazy asshole is worse than a sane asshole....the rest of my life...shall be devoted to a search for a third alternative, a tertium quid--if there is one. If not, we are stuck with two alternatives: 1.) believers, who are intolerable, and 2.) unbelievers who are insane.
Let it be so.
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3 comments:
Wow! I don't really know what to say. The church vs. psycghology. Knowing oneself in true forgiveness, i.e., beloved. The performance nature of our culture.
There is so much to write about here. How do you get over the fear of being still? How do you find someone you can trust to open up to? How can a person get beyond measuring all aspects of life? How!!!
Man, I am really struggling with this stuff now.
Very nice post, Nicole. A wise professor of mine once said that in life we have three "things" we must do -- something, anything, and nothing. In other words, there is a place in life for "doing something" (e.g., work, ministry, etc.), but also for "doing anything" (e.g., play), and "doing nothing" (e.g., stillness, prayer, meditation, etc.)
As you quite rightly observe, our society tends to place value mostly on what is done -- and we, in turn, often measure our own value in terms of our accomplishments (or, often, our lack thereof). Such a peculiar lens through which we gaze at life.
My thought for you is that in practicing this kind of stillness, eventually it begins to pervade all areas of our life. In other words, while times spent in stillness or prayer are always crucial, our time spent in "productive" things changes. Slows us down, perhaps. Allows us to stop judging our efforts by whether we have "succeeded" or not.
In therapy, I find that this stillness helps in avoiding the trap of taking responsibility for change happening -- for the work that the client needs to do. This is particularly helpful for those clients who tend to put the responsibility for change onto the therapist (e.g., many individuals with borderline personalities).
Kelly, I can really relate to your comments about psychology and the Church. I'm new to this blogging thing but feel free to read my post about the same topic at http://rumorsofgloryrog.wordpress.com/category/how-psychology-fixed-my-faith/
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