Sunday, September 18, 2005
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Waaaaahhh!
I miss this man. He left a total of 10 minutes ago for a two week stint in TN, working on a freelance assignment. I about didn't let him leave. I cried and made it hard for him. Our one nervous cat even let him hold her...that's a rarity.
I've always prided myself on being independent and not needing other people to be a productive and fulfilled human being. But, damn, this is hard. And it's harder every time that we have to be apart for one reason or another. We talked about that today, how it's harder every time we say goodbye for a freelance trip, a family visit, or what have you.
He said all sorts of sweet things. Like, "You're my favorite person in the whole world," and "I'm so glad I married you." Me too, babe. Me too.
I've always prided myself on being independent and not needing other people to be a productive and fulfilled human being. But, damn, this is hard. And it's harder every time that we have to be apart for one reason or another. We talked about that today, how it's harder every time we say goodbye for a freelance trip, a family visit, or what have you.
He said all sorts of sweet things. Like, "You're my favorite person in the whole world," and "I'm so glad I married you." Me too, babe. Me too.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
A box of chocolates....
I am a Teaching Assistant for a class that new Master's students in psychology take. And my students have to write response papers for the readings each week. It is starting to become apparent every year that there are some basic groups of students that emerge early in the semester.
The first group is a nervous bunch. Their papers mainly focus on not screwing up any people permanently once they become a therapist. They say such things as, "I am afraid I'll get sued and put in jail?" or "What if all my clients commit suicide because I say something stupid?" They seriously doubt that their clinical skills will ever develop. Most of these students recover nicely, gain some competence, and go on to do well.
Another group, every year, is very insightful, humble, and displays an appropriate amount of desire to learn, balanced with enough confidence to not spend the entire first year of the program in hiding. These students usually write such things as, "The reading pointed out this area of growth for me...yada yada something that makes sense."
But...then there's this other group. This is the scary group. This group says such things as, "How can I be a therapist and not convert people?" and "How is it unethical for me to share the Gospel with my clients, isn't that what they all need to hear?" Sometimes they take the outrage road: "These ethical guidelines say I'm unethical if I am looking to convert my clients. The World just doesn't understand."
Uh, yeah. This is the group of papers I usually set aside for the prof to review. You know, so we can identify which students might need to come in and talk to a faculty member about their..uh, conviction.
I just wonder, why do Christians come away with this idea that it is our job to save people? I know, the Great Commission:
But does "training everyone you meet" mean ramming Jesus down their throats? When did the church become about that?
I feel that I am, in some way, training my clients in a "Christian" way of life. But I don't do it in the back of mind thinking, "Gee, how can convert them to Christianity?" No, I speak truth into their lives. I say the hard things that other people won't say to them; I hold their secrets in confidence without judgment.
I support them in their pain. I tell them when I don't know what to do. I point out when I mess up in the therapy room. I listen to them, most of all, with a perceptive and careful ear in a way that most people don't. I have a relationship with them that is focused and for a reason. I call them to task to stick to what they claim they want to change in their lives.
If they're Christians, then yeah, let's bring up our spriritual life. Let's correct our wrong beliefs about God, about each other, about Christ.
But, those that think God called them to "save" people have some growing to do. God doesn't need me. He just occasionally gives me the gift of letting me see Him work in someone else's life. Do I pray for my clients? Yeah.
But let them be drawn to Christ because they experience love in my office. More than love, let them be drawn to the grace that pours out from Christ in rare moments when God is letting me be a vehicle of His grace.
But my only goal when someone walks into my office (I use the term loosely, as I don't have my own...I just intern at a place that has several offices they let me use.) is to help them leave a more healthy individual through the relationship that we share for a brief time. Only when we take such a critical look at our self can we even get our own junk out of the way long enough to even glimpse the work that God may want to do with us.
The first group is a nervous bunch. Their papers mainly focus on not screwing up any people permanently once they become a therapist. They say such things as, "I am afraid I'll get sued and put in jail?" or "What if all my clients commit suicide because I say something stupid?" They seriously doubt that their clinical skills will ever develop. Most of these students recover nicely, gain some competence, and go on to do well.
Another group, every year, is very insightful, humble, and displays an appropriate amount of desire to learn, balanced with enough confidence to not spend the entire first year of the program in hiding. These students usually write such things as, "The reading pointed out this area of growth for me...yada yada something that makes sense."
But...then there's this other group. This is the scary group. This group says such things as, "How can I be a therapist and not convert people?" and "How is it unethical for me to share the Gospel with my clients, isn't that what they all need to hear?" Sometimes they take the outrage road: "These ethical guidelines say I'm unethical if I am looking to convert my clients. The World just doesn't understand."
Uh, yeah. This is the group of papers I usually set aside for the prof to review. You know, so we can identify which students might need to come in and talk to a faculty member about their..uh, conviction.
I just wonder, why do Christians come away with this idea that it is our job to save people? I know, the Great Commission:
Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Matthew 28:19
But does "training everyone you meet" mean ramming Jesus down their throats? When did the church become about that?
I feel that I am, in some way, training my clients in a "Christian" way of life. But I don't do it in the back of mind thinking, "Gee, how can convert them to Christianity?" No, I speak truth into their lives. I say the hard things that other people won't say to them; I hold their secrets in confidence without judgment.
I support them in their pain. I tell them when I don't know what to do. I point out when I mess up in the therapy room. I listen to them, most of all, with a perceptive and careful ear in a way that most people don't. I have a relationship with them that is focused and for a reason. I call them to task to stick to what they claim they want to change in their lives.
If they're Christians, then yeah, let's bring up our spriritual life. Let's correct our wrong beliefs about God, about each other, about Christ.
But, those that think God called them to "save" people have some growing to do. God doesn't need me. He just occasionally gives me the gift of letting me see Him work in someone else's life. Do I pray for my clients? Yeah.
But let them be drawn to Christ because they experience love in my office. More than love, let them be drawn to the grace that pours out from Christ in rare moments when God is letting me be a vehicle of His grace.
But my only goal when someone walks into my office (I use the term loosely, as I don't have my own...I just intern at a place that has several offices they let me use.) is to help them leave a more healthy individual through the relationship that we share for a brief time. Only when we take such a critical look at our self can we even get our own junk out of the way long enough to even glimpse the work that God may want to do with us.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
The Return of the Prodigal Son
Ladies and gents, time for the latest installment of Nicole's spirituality class essays. This one is on Henri Nouwen's The Return of the Prodigal Son.
My personal response to Henri Nouwen’s The Return of the Prodigal Son, is one of agreement, but also one of questioning. I find Nouwen’s work to be incredibly challenging and honest on an individual level. However, I also feel that the wonderful insights offered into the Christian life by this book could be further extrapolated in order to explore the societal implications of practicing the grace of the Father.
Nouwen calls attention to a model of relationship in a Biblical manner that resonates deeply with me. All three subjects, the prodigal, the father, and the elder son, reveal much about grace, love, and relationship. God is a God of lost things: lost coins, lost sheep, and lost sons. For the past two years, the Holy Spirit has been at work in my own life reiterating my need to believe the Gospel and accept that God does in fact accept me. He revels in me. He throws a party every time that I come home, and unfortunately, I have been lost many times.
The struggle for acceptance discussed in The Return of the Prodigal Son seems to only be possible by someone who has struggled deeply and difficultly with trying to actually affect such openness in his own relationships. However, the respect and gentleness with which he treats the subject suggests that he has perhaps failed at times, been hurt deeply at times, and respects the frailty of human bonds. Therefore, through a very painful process Nouwen reflects that he has come to know that only God can offer the unconditional regard that we all deeply long for.
Knowing Nouwen’s background in psychology, I am not surprised at the prominence of his respect for the wounds of people. In my own short experience in sitting across from people in their pain and suffering, the deepest respect for woundedness is integral to getting past the pain and moving toward growth, to running back to the Father. Acknowledging the deepest pains of others is intimidating for many. I have found it to be especially so for many parents whose children undertake this journey. They find it accusatory, and in response, some reject the legitimacy of the pain of their response of unconditional love. Even Nouwen’s detailed concern for Rembrandt, the artist, and his intentions for the painting and the context of his life, reflects a model focused on a deep concern for people.
My one criticism of Nouwen’s work is that it still is inherently one of individualistic nature. The book is concerned with the act of the individual, the journey of the individual, and the grace experienced by the individual. I ponder at how entire Christian communities can act as a whole to counteract the vitriol and poison spewed in our own communities at a systemic level in addition to the individual level discussed in the book. I feel the father of the parable is more active than Nouwen presents. He, too, is searching for his son. He is looking on the horizon and sees him far off and comes running to the prodigal, a fact Nouwen fails to address.
After much thought and time in solitude, I have meditated how I reflect each member of this parable. First, and foremost, I have spent much of my time in life as the elder son. I came to faith at an early age, in a Christian family. I spent the majority, then of the past 25 years “at home…but I have not yet lived a free life in my Father’s house.” I was resentful of others and their turning from the faith. I sought to exclude my peers for their “sin” of turning from the faith. I get jealous when I am not the center of attention. When accolades do not come my way, despite hard and faithful service, I find myself not enjoying the bounty of having always been in the Father’s presence and having all that is His.
Most recently, God has been calling me to his acceptance, away from the fundamentalism and legalism of my past. He has been calling me to address institutional and societal structures and to minister to the marginalized of society. But my contempt has shifted to those who do no share my beliefs. I become conceited and haughty with my growth. I foist it upon others who do not yet see these aspects of faith, mainly because I feel rejected and not accepted in Christ, and thus need the acceptance of others.
The idea of being the prodigal is new to me. I always saw myself as the faithful elder son, and often times thought he had a right to his feelings. However, as I grow in my assurance that God loves me, accepts me…I find myself down on my knees with increasing regularity. I find that I am lost when I never knew that I left. I am so ignorantly called away by “lovers less wild” that I find myself settling for empty physical gratification rather than the love of the Father. I see that I have strayed in ways that I never knew were going away from God, because I never stopped to ask. So, I am most like the prodigal on his way home, but not there yet. I am practicing my speech in my head of what I am going to say to my Father when I get there…and I’m still growing toward a continual knowing that God will run out to greet me, if I only come.
Finally, I seem to only be like the father when I am sitting in the therapy room with my clients. In there, I find it easier to dispense grace and acceptance. I want to bring this huge heart of mine into the world, to my family and friends. But that is dangerous and scary. So I keep my huge heart protected behind the guise of professionalism, which helps many in my office. However, I rarely expose it to others in my life, and I am feeling God’s tug to correct that. As I grow toward knowing the acceptance of the prodigal, I feel I will be freer to be like the father. The two are inextricably connected.
Over the past two years, the music of Derek Webb has really been used by God to minister in my life. I feel that there are three songs that reveal the three different parts of the parable, the prodigal, the elder son, and the father. The lyrics of each song and who they represent say more than I could say in volumes. But it wasn’t until this week that I realized that these songs which have ministered in my life for two years centered on the story of the prodigal. Sure, these songs spoke to me on a deep level that I did not quite understand, but before I could put words, scripture, or God’s hand on the work in my life, I felt something deep and important.
Beloved (The Father)
beloved these are dangerous times
because you are weightless like a leaf from the vine
and the wind has blown you all over town
because there is nothing holding you to the ground
so now you would rather be
a slave again than free from the law
(chorus)
beloved listen to me
don’t believe all that you see
and don’t you ever let anyone tell you
that there’s anything that you need
but me
beloved these are perilous days
when your culture is so set in it’s ways
that you will listen to salesmen and thieves
preaching other than the truth you’ve received
because they are telling lies
for they cannot circumcise your hearts
(chorus)
beloved there is nothing more
no more blessings and no more rewards
than the treasure of my body and blood
given freely to all daughters and sons
Wedding Dress (The Prodigal)
if you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
should that be all I’ll ever need
or is there more i’m looking for
and should i read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
to make me handsome, rich, and wise
is that really what you want
(chorus)
i am a whore i do confess
but i put you on just like a wedding dress
and i run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
but i put you on just like a ring of gold
and i run down the aisle to you
so could you love this bastard child
though i don’t trust you to provide
with one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
i am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers less wild
that i would take a little cash
over your very flesh and blood
(chorus)
because money cannot buy
a husband’s jealous eye
when you have knowingly deceived his wife
I Repent (The Elder Son)
I repent of my pursuit of America's dream
i repent of living like i deserve anything
my house, my fence, my kids, and my wife
in our suburb where we're safe and white
i am wrong and of these things i repent
i repent of parading my liberty
i repent of paying for what i get for free
the way i believe that i am living right
by trading sins for others that are easier to hide
i am wrong and of these things i repent
i repent judging by a law that even i can't keep
wearin righteousness like a disguise to see through the planks in my own eyes
i repent of trading truth for false unity
i repent of confusing peace and idolatry
of caring more of what they think than what i know of what they need
and domesticating You until You look just like me
i am wrong and of these things i repent
My personal response to Henri Nouwen’s The Return of the Prodigal Son, is one of agreement, but also one of questioning. I find Nouwen’s work to be incredibly challenging and honest on an individual level. However, I also feel that the wonderful insights offered into the Christian life by this book could be further extrapolated in order to explore the societal implications of practicing the grace of the Father.
Nouwen calls attention to a model of relationship in a Biblical manner that resonates deeply with me. All three subjects, the prodigal, the father, and the elder son, reveal much about grace, love, and relationship. God is a God of lost things: lost coins, lost sheep, and lost sons. For the past two years, the Holy Spirit has been at work in my own life reiterating my need to believe the Gospel and accept that God does in fact accept me. He revels in me. He throws a party every time that I come home, and unfortunately, I have been lost many times.
The struggle for acceptance discussed in The Return of the Prodigal Son seems to only be possible by someone who has struggled deeply and difficultly with trying to actually affect such openness in his own relationships. However, the respect and gentleness with which he treats the subject suggests that he has perhaps failed at times, been hurt deeply at times, and respects the frailty of human bonds. Therefore, through a very painful process Nouwen reflects that he has come to know that only God can offer the unconditional regard that we all deeply long for.
Knowing Nouwen’s background in psychology, I am not surprised at the prominence of his respect for the wounds of people. In my own short experience in sitting across from people in their pain and suffering, the deepest respect for woundedness is integral to getting past the pain and moving toward growth, to running back to the Father. Acknowledging the deepest pains of others is intimidating for many. I have found it to be especially so for many parents whose children undertake this journey. They find it accusatory, and in response, some reject the legitimacy of the pain of their response of unconditional love. Even Nouwen’s detailed concern for Rembrandt, the artist, and his intentions for the painting and the context of his life, reflects a model focused on a deep concern for people.
My one criticism of Nouwen’s work is that it still is inherently one of individualistic nature. The book is concerned with the act of the individual, the journey of the individual, and the grace experienced by the individual. I ponder at how entire Christian communities can act as a whole to counteract the vitriol and poison spewed in our own communities at a systemic level in addition to the individual level discussed in the book. I feel the father of the parable is more active than Nouwen presents. He, too, is searching for his son. He is looking on the horizon and sees him far off and comes running to the prodigal, a fact Nouwen fails to address.
After much thought and time in solitude, I have meditated how I reflect each member of this parable. First, and foremost, I have spent much of my time in life as the elder son. I came to faith at an early age, in a Christian family. I spent the majority, then of the past 25 years “at home…but I have not yet lived a free life in my Father’s house.” I was resentful of others and their turning from the faith. I sought to exclude my peers for their “sin” of turning from the faith. I get jealous when I am not the center of attention. When accolades do not come my way, despite hard and faithful service, I find myself not enjoying the bounty of having always been in the Father’s presence and having all that is His.
Most recently, God has been calling me to his acceptance, away from the fundamentalism and legalism of my past. He has been calling me to address institutional and societal structures and to minister to the marginalized of society. But my contempt has shifted to those who do no share my beliefs. I become conceited and haughty with my growth. I foist it upon others who do not yet see these aspects of faith, mainly because I feel rejected and not accepted in Christ, and thus need the acceptance of others.
The idea of being the prodigal is new to me. I always saw myself as the faithful elder son, and often times thought he had a right to his feelings. However, as I grow in my assurance that God loves me, accepts me…I find myself down on my knees with increasing regularity. I find that I am lost when I never knew that I left. I am so ignorantly called away by “lovers less wild” that I find myself settling for empty physical gratification rather than the love of the Father. I see that I have strayed in ways that I never knew were going away from God, because I never stopped to ask. So, I am most like the prodigal on his way home, but not there yet. I am practicing my speech in my head of what I am going to say to my Father when I get there…and I’m still growing toward a continual knowing that God will run out to greet me, if I only come.
Finally, I seem to only be like the father when I am sitting in the therapy room with my clients. In there, I find it easier to dispense grace and acceptance. I want to bring this huge heart of mine into the world, to my family and friends. But that is dangerous and scary. So I keep my huge heart protected behind the guise of professionalism, which helps many in my office. However, I rarely expose it to others in my life, and I am feeling God’s tug to correct that. As I grow toward knowing the acceptance of the prodigal, I feel I will be freer to be like the father. The two are inextricably connected.
Over the past two years, the music of Derek Webb has really been used by God to minister in my life. I feel that there are three songs that reveal the three different parts of the parable, the prodigal, the elder son, and the father. The lyrics of each song and who they represent say more than I could say in volumes. But it wasn’t until this week that I realized that these songs which have ministered in my life for two years centered on the story of the prodigal. Sure, these songs spoke to me on a deep level that I did not quite understand, but before I could put words, scripture, or God’s hand on the work in my life, I felt something deep and important.
Beloved (The Father)
beloved these are dangerous times
because you are weightless like a leaf from the vine
and the wind has blown you all over town
because there is nothing holding you to the ground
so now you would rather be
a slave again than free from the law
(chorus)
beloved listen to me
don’t believe all that you see
and don’t you ever let anyone tell you
that there’s anything that you need
but me
beloved these are perilous days
when your culture is so set in it’s ways
that you will listen to salesmen and thieves
preaching other than the truth you’ve received
because they are telling lies
for they cannot circumcise your hearts
(chorus)
beloved there is nothing more
no more blessings and no more rewards
than the treasure of my body and blood
given freely to all daughters and sons
Wedding Dress (The Prodigal)
if you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
should that be all I’ll ever need
or is there more i’m looking for
and should i read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
to make me handsome, rich, and wise
is that really what you want
(chorus)
i am a whore i do confess
but i put you on just like a wedding dress
and i run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
but i put you on just like a ring of gold
and i run down the aisle to you
so could you love this bastard child
though i don’t trust you to provide
with one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
i am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers less wild
that i would take a little cash
over your very flesh and blood
(chorus)
because money cannot buy
a husband’s jealous eye
when you have knowingly deceived his wife
I Repent (The Elder Son)
I repent of my pursuit of America's dream
i repent of living like i deserve anything
my house, my fence, my kids, and my wife
in our suburb where we're safe and white
i am wrong and of these things i repent
i repent of parading my liberty
i repent of paying for what i get for free
the way i believe that i am living right
by trading sins for others that are easier to hide
i am wrong and of these things i repent
i repent judging by a law that even i can't keep
wearin righteousness like a disguise to see through the planks in my own eyes
i repent of trading truth for false unity
i repent of confusing peace and idolatry
of caring more of what they think than what i know of what they need
and domesticating You until You look just like me
i am wrong and of these things i repent
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Community and the Church...one and the same?
A post over at NinjaNun's blog has us talking about what Church is supposed to be. So, go read the comments if you please, and I thought I'd weigh in on my ideas about the role of community in the church.
A church that is built around community..with each other, the world, and God, is fulfilling the highest calling of what a church is.
The new testament word for church, Latin ecclesia, from Greek ekklesia had an original meaning of "assembly, council", literally "convocation", so church is simply an assembly of believers..a community as such. Where God is a present and participating member of that community.
In fact, the concept of community, envelops the church in the Bible. First, God is a God of community. He is a community of three persons, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, communally exisisting as one. Next, God describes Himself as being in relationship (the central concept to community) with the Church, as a husband is to a wife.
Jesus focused his ministry on those marginalized by the community. The sick, the lame, women, minorities, and the like. He seemed to constantly work to restore them to the community around them. He challenged the unjust structures of his greater community.
And yes, lots of places do acts of charity, and lots of other groups have community. But the focus of Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, and Father God, through the scriptures, is one of justice and community with God...and therefore the church is a special community, a community of God's grace. A God of Truth. So our church communities do possess a higher calling than charity and a little social time.
We are called to refine one another. To be people who can speak truth...scary, ugly, beautiful truth into the lives of one another. A process that can only be effective and take place in loving relationship with God and one another. 'Cause people seem only to not bugger it up with a big helping of the Holy Spirit, God with us.
And just because we see glimpses of God's common grace in acts of charity and places of community that are not the church, that does not denigrate the role of the church as both a place of charity (I'd rather say Justice.) and community. Rather, we should model community so well and with so much grace that people come running to God.
Because, in what I've seen in my work as a therapist, most people feel the most pain from being rejected or less than unconditionally loved by someone in a community that is important to them.
We are to be models, to our greatest capabilities through sanctification, of God's grace to our communities to bring them back to a place so that they can enter into community with God and with other believers.
A church that is built around community..with each other, the world, and God, is fulfilling the highest calling of what a church is.
The new testament word for church, Latin ecclesia, from Greek ekklesia had an original meaning of "assembly, council", literally "convocation", so church is simply an assembly of believers..a community as such. Where God is a present and participating member of that community.
In fact, the concept of community, envelops the church in the Bible. First, God is a God of community. He is a community of three persons, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, communally exisisting as one. Next, God describes Himself as being in relationship (the central concept to community) with the Church, as a husband is to a wife.
Jesus focused his ministry on those marginalized by the community. The sick, the lame, women, minorities, and the like. He seemed to constantly work to restore them to the community around them. He challenged the unjust structures of his greater community.
And yes, lots of places do acts of charity, and lots of other groups have community. But the focus of Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, and Father God, through the scriptures, is one of justice and community with God...and therefore the church is a special community, a community of God's grace. A God of Truth. So our church communities do possess a higher calling than charity and a little social time.
We are called to refine one another. To be people who can speak truth...scary, ugly, beautiful truth into the lives of one another. A process that can only be effective and take place in loving relationship with God and one another. 'Cause people seem only to not bugger it up with a big helping of the Holy Spirit, God with us.
And just because we see glimpses of God's common grace in acts of charity and places of community that are not the church, that does not denigrate the role of the church as both a place of charity (I'd rather say Justice.) and community. Rather, we should model community so well and with so much grace that people come running to God.
Because, in what I've seen in my work as a therapist, most people feel the most pain from being rejected or less than unconditionally loved by someone in a community that is important to them.
We are to be models, to our greatest capabilities through sanctification, of God's grace to our communities to bring them back to a place so that they can enter into community with God and with other believers.
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