What we do to ourselves...

Before coming to graduate school, and for a period during school, I have worked at various psychiatric hospitals with children and adolescents. It's an interesting place to work, to say the least. You get front row seats to some of the greatest triumphs in individuals lives, and sometimes to tragedies that make your heartache with the painful realities of a broken world. But one thing is constant, for the first two days everyone believes that they don't belong in the psych hospital.

Many people, especially parents and teens, seem to think if a kid isn't psychotic, then the hospital isn't a place for me/my kid/anyone who isn't apeshit crazy. But that just isn't the case. Of course, there are those people at the hospital that are completely off the wall. At one hospital, the staff put two psychotic men who each thought he was Jesus in a room together to argue. The argument went on for quite a while. The final resolution was that they decided one was the heterosexual Jesus, the other was the homosexual Jesus. The even more interesting thing was that neither ever claimed to be Christ, but that theological nuance seemed lost on most of the staff.

Back to my greater point. Suicide, especially with adolescents, is with high probability attempted/committed by those teens who seem "okay." They probably laughed at the joke at lunch today, had dinner with their mom/dad/friend, and did their homework. Nothing probably seemed out of place, except a deep nagging feeling somewhere in a parent/caring adult that said, "Eh, maybe I'm wrong to think that they need therapy. Today, he/she seemed happy. She even laughed."

But the sad truth is, that adolescents send subtle signals that they desperately want their parents to pick up on and act on. Not that they're going to act all happy about it when the parent puts his or her foot down or takes some action. Overall, the majority of adolescents with whom I work feel desperately abandoned. Although his study is somewhat flawed, I really think Chap Clark is on to something in his book, Hurt

So what can parents do? Well, first of all, talk to your damn kids!! Ask them how they are doing. Most of all children need mirrors, people who reflect back to them how they are appearing. So saying things like, "You've seemed sort of down or depressed lately, what's going on?" or let a teen know things about him/herself, "You really seem to be good a finding the relationships between different parts, that would really help you in *insert relevant passion/interest here*."

If your kid does things like oh, asking to go to therapy...TAKE THEM! This isn't some attention ploy, most likely. Nope, the kid is being proactive enough to ask for help when they need it and aren't receiving it elsewhere.

Finally, while there is a subset of parents out there that are too controlling, most in this society are just too distant. No matter how much they groan about it, your child needs to know that you care, that you'll protect them when they get in over their head, and that you love them!! If you never say it, you can't just assume that they know. Good grief!

All in all, teens who are depressed and suicidal can really appear to have it together. Don't be a parent or concerned adult who lets your denial of "this can't be happening to my child/youth/family" get in the way of acting boldly. Asking your kid if he or she has ever thought of suicide isn't going to make them run out and do it. Ask! Tell her or him they could tell you if they felt that way!

*The inspiriation for this story was a happy ending, not a sad one.

Things about which I do not care...

Darwinism
Functionalism
Behaviorism
American Psychology
German Lab Tradition
Intellectual Assessment
French Clinical Tradition

but, Psychoanalysis...that's kinda cool.

That's what my review sheet said for History and Systems of Psychology. Just those 8 terms, with no explanation. Oh, we asked for an explanation, but it was more obscure than the study guide. I say, never trust a professor who doesn't wear socks.

If and When...

...I become a professor/supervisor, please do not let me lose touch with the plight of a student. Let me not assume that the billable hours for my clinic are a proper reflection of all the work that students in training do. When I ask my students to spend their weekend planning and carrying out the clinic's fundraiser, please do not let me slip into the delusion that they will still have 18 hours to give my clinic in clinical work that week. Help me to remember that students also have families, school work, dissertations, church, and a need to sit and do nothing at times. Help me to shape and grow students who will become balanced adults who know that sitting in silence with God, spending time with their families, and just LIVING are appropriate and blessed ways to spend their time. Let me not develop professionals that are harried, weary, and thinking they always need to be doing more.


ENOUGH, already!

Calvin and Hobbes should be banned...

according to one school district in the Chicago suburbs.

Their justification?

“It was written as an adult book,” she said. “It does refer to violence and sex.”

Here's hoping that some common sense prevails and at least half the adults on the committee making the final decision have a brain. You know, because the Bible doesn't have any violence and sex in it, either.

Thoughts on Children, Families, and Faith.

It's official. I'm one of "them." Them being therapists. Yip, and a psychodynamic, tell me about your mother, type therapist. Plus I work with children. This officially earns me a place on the "You must be a fruit loop to be in this career" list. (I think that list is published by U.S. News and World Report.) Psychodynamically oriented child psychologists are number three on the "You must be a fruit loop to be in this career" list right behind Psychic (#2) and Natural Foods Store Owner (#1). Let's not even add in my integrative training that incorporates Christian Theology and Psychology.

As my practice with children has grown, I have been increasingly worried and confused by the faith that parents put in me. They bring their families, their progeny, and ask me to fix whatever problem they perceive. I find this incredibly fascinating. Well, for one matter, I. HAVE. NO. CHILDREN. Also, they don't know me from Eve. They just trust that some school somewhere taught me how to undo some of the mucking up that they've mucked up. The fact that I'm a Christian is bonus enough for others.

So I have middle aged moms call me while their 7 year olds have meltdowns and they ask me what to do. So I call my supervisor and ask her what to do. So she asks me what I would say if I didn't call her. I say something rational and obvious that I thought was common sense. Supervisor tells me to call back mom who is melting down and say that. I do. Mom does it. Child stops melting down. I'm amazed and confused how this all happened. I guess I need to accept the fact that *gasp* I've learned something in the past three years of graduate school. (Then I ask, "Where is dad?")

I wonder if they truly knew that I am a 25 year old graduate student who has trouble getting up early enough to pack her own lunch if they'd still trust me with their secrets and the well being of their children.

More worrisome are the bone head things that parents say to me. For example:

"Well, yes, we argue all the time as a couple and our marriage is falling apart. That's not affecting our children, though."

"So and so [book, church leader, friend] says that spanking our child with a wooden spoon is supposed to work and is a Biblical model for discipline. What do you think of that?"

"Well, James Dobson said that..."

"Every problem in our family is the fault of a 4 foot, 5 inch, 65lb, eight year old with a strong will. She/He is just impossible, nothing that works for the rest of the world's children works with him/her."

"I know you gave my child a full test battery, interview, school observations, and other measures that all point out that if my child actually slept 8+ hours a night, ate something other than McDonalds everyday, and didn't sit in front of the TV/Computer/Nintendo from 3 until Midnight that they may actually be able to pay attention during class. But..are you SURE he/she doesn't have ADHD?"

Now, I'm not completely down on parents. I meet tons of worried well white people (welcome the the Suburbs!) who aren't doing a bad job, who love their kids, and who need to understand that the ONLY thing you have to do to make sure your kids turn out okay is love them. That's a tall enough order to be incredibly difficult, yet not impossible. I promise that if your children aren't #1 in their class, don't play 6 sports, and have fewer brand name clothes than their friends, they'll probably be MORE well adjusted, not less.

Finally, the most bizarre comments I get are from guilty Christians who know that because of my agency and the school I attend that I am a Christian. On our intakes we always ask about religious and cultural issues. I'm waiting for the day when someone actually responds with something other than the Sunday School answer. Because I'm a Christian, working in Christian agency, people assume that I'm judgmental or have some yardstick in my head where I'm saying to myself "Hmm, they don't go to church anymore, they're BAAAAAAAAD parents."

Interesting comments that have occurred go something like this:

"Did you pick out that lovely hymns station downstairs on the radio? You must have!" (ARe you kidding me? I snuck Sufjan Stevens into the CD tray until someone figured out what I'd done...)

"Well, we're Christians, but we're not good ones." (I've never met a good Christian, and I typically haven't met many that I even LIKE.)

"Pastor [Insert White Male Name] says that we should only see a fellow Christian who believes as we do. Let's ignore the cognitive dissonance that we feel because you, a woman, obviously are not following the Biblical mandate to not work outside the home, because we're desperate and there are very few male child psychologists. Just don't have a baby while we're in therapy and we might be able to deal with this."

I love my work. I even love the parents I work with and the children even more. I just continually must vent my frustration with how evidently procreating can cause the most sane and rational of adults to leave their brain on the bathroom sink each morning. It makes me worry that one day I'll be on the phone with my kid's therapist asking if it's okay to put my child in time out, or should I spank her with a wooden spoon because some white guy who went to a seminary says so. *Sigh*