Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Advanced Statistics and Research....kill me now!
I'm sitting in Advanced Statistics. And I'm dying. The material and learning SPSS isn't difficult. The advanced concepts of research, I get. But the prof drones on and on and on. And any question, even a simple, "What menu did you click for that?" throws him off for 2 whole minutes. Then he gives a repetitive 15 minute explanation once he gets his bearings. All of this makes me want to poke. out. my. eyeballs. And, I have type like a snail because this lab has the loudest keyboards in. the. world. And SPSS, yeah, don't need to type to manipulate a data set. I'm off to download that pesky abstinence.sav data set. BAH!
Monday, September 04, 2006
Psychology and Christianity, The Care of Souls
This semester, I'm taking some phenomenal courses. (Completely excluding Advanced Statistics and Research, by the way.) The first of those courses is Advanced Psychodynamic Theory and Practice. Before you assume I'm a total Freud-head (I am), let me tell what makes this course so phenomenal. While, yes, this course is grounded in great synthesizing works on psychodynamic theories of persons and therapy, it also ties these theories to the contemplative spiritual tradition in Christian faith.
I know that this goes against the sensibilities of all those of you out there in the world who grew up in conservative traditions like I did. You know, that psychology is evil, all you need to know about people you learn in the Bible, Freud is godless and psychodynamic must be, too, all you liberals want to blame your parents, yada yada bullshit.
But all of that IS wrong. Before psychology commandeered the care of souls, the Church had a large tradition of caring for people, with many of the same ideas that are found in psychodynamic theories (maybe, one day, I'll quantify that statement with a post).
Psychology today, really, truly acts in the role of the Church, doing what the church no longer does. The way in which Christians have preempted cultural expectations and norms has led us as a body (in this nation, at least) to be harried, busy, and in denial of our most basic existential struggles and physical and emotional pain. Especially in evangelicalism, the church is no longer a sanctuary. It's not a place where the world slows. Where art inspires. Where the hurting of the world can convalesce, eat a healthy warm meal, and seek healing in the unhurried structure of a simple life.
Because of this absence of care for persons...for souls...in the church, the only place where one can take a vacation from the world would be one hour in your therapist's office or a psych hospital. Because we, the Church, have bought into the productivity lie, we measure ourselves. And we measure our productivity in breadth, not in depth. In numbers, not relationships. In people, not souls.
Alan Jones, in the introduction of his book Soul Making, sets forth that our one purpose in this world is "to discern our true worth and the One who bestows it." For only after we are loved do we know what love is in order to give it to others. Imagine saying that at your small group. I hope you can, but every small group I've been too would find that laughable. "I'm just trying to discern my true worth and God who bestows it. Until I get that, I'm not really ready to give much to the (insert ministry here.)" Mmm hmm...
I'm just now rounding a bend where I even fill I am full enough to give ANYTHING. Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I gave. I gave even when I was empty. I think that along with high school valedictorian, I was trying to be valedictorian of church committees. I had never sought to know that I am beloved, or to know the one who makes it so.
For the past 5 years I have given exactly zero to a ministry on a regular basis. The first two years, I was so confused, depressed, and neurotically busy trying to avoid the still and quiet that I needed that I nearly thought I was never going to be normal again. I feared the silence. It would consume me, I thought. The negative thoughts I believed God thought about me, and the negative thoughts I thought about me would literally eat me alive, I would open the flood gates or the dam would burst, and I feared that I would drown in all that had been held back. The anxieties, the neurosis, the being so damn perfect all the time, the hiding, the everything.
But, being surrounded by others who had stillness in their souls slowly wore me down. I came to a point when I had to decide to let the stillness consume me or lose the hope of sanctuary forever. To listen to all the lies so that I could realize the Truth. I spent the next 3 years listening and learning to be beloved. To exude beloved. To believe that I am God's beloved. God wishes not that I lose another pound, that I make a better grade, that I do one more deed, that I have sex more often with my husband, that I clean my house more often, that I take care of yet one more person. Those have been 3 LOOOOONG years. Painful years. Years of silence, slowness. Of falling back into old patterns, and then stopping and removing myself from them. The transition has been all encompassing. It has involved relationships, friendships, music, art, books, school, some church, family, work, therapy. All those realms both affected and were affected by this transformation.
How did this transformation come about? I'd love to say my church, which was a small part of the puzzle, a reinforcer of sorts. But truly, it was psychology and a group of contemplative Christians who have found a home in psychology and therapy because the Church has nowhere else for them to go. My psychology professors have cared for me more than any pastor ever has. They have pastored me, shepherded me, or whatever you want to call it. But they sat and were not bothered by my messes. They didn't fix my messes, but were compassionate yet firm and truthful.
So, I am beloved. No debating its being tattooed just above my ass. And I'm ready to jump back into ministry. Yet, God says wait. Wait some more. I have more to teach you about Me and how beloved you are. It both thrills my soul and frustrates me. The frustrated part is really just concerned about what everyone else is going to think, because I now would give anything to keep tasting the goodness of God and being his beloved.
Jones, in his book is looking for a creative third way to be a Christian, and so am I. He quotes Walker Percy in The Second Coming:
Let it be so.
I know that this goes against the sensibilities of all those of you out there in the world who grew up in conservative traditions like I did. You know, that psychology is evil, all you need to know about people you learn in the Bible, Freud is godless and psychodynamic must be, too, all you liberals want to blame your parents, yada yada bullshit.
But all of that IS wrong. Before psychology commandeered the care of souls, the Church had a large tradition of caring for people, with many of the same ideas that are found in psychodynamic theories (maybe, one day, I'll quantify that statement with a post).
Psychology today, really, truly acts in the role of the Church, doing what the church no longer does. The way in which Christians have preempted cultural expectations and norms has led us as a body (in this nation, at least) to be harried, busy, and in denial of our most basic existential struggles and physical and emotional pain. Especially in evangelicalism, the church is no longer a sanctuary. It's not a place where the world slows. Where art inspires. Where the hurting of the world can convalesce, eat a healthy warm meal, and seek healing in the unhurried structure of a simple life.
Because of this absence of care for persons...for souls...in the church, the only place where one can take a vacation from the world would be one hour in your therapist's office or a psych hospital. Because we, the Church, have bought into the productivity lie, we measure ourselves. And we measure our productivity in breadth, not in depth. In numbers, not relationships. In people, not souls.
Alan Jones, in the introduction of his book Soul Making, sets forth that our one purpose in this world is "to discern our true worth and the One who bestows it." For only after we are loved do we know what love is in order to give it to others. Imagine saying that at your small group. I hope you can, but every small group I've been too would find that laughable. "I'm just trying to discern my true worth and God who bestows it. Until I get that, I'm not really ready to give much to the (insert ministry here.)" Mmm hmm...
I'm just now rounding a bend where I even fill I am full enough to give ANYTHING. Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I gave. I gave even when I was empty. I think that along with high school valedictorian, I was trying to be valedictorian of church committees. I had never sought to know that I am beloved, or to know the one who makes it so.
For the past 5 years I have given exactly zero to a ministry on a regular basis. The first two years, I was so confused, depressed, and neurotically busy trying to avoid the still and quiet that I needed that I nearly thought I was never going to be normal again. I feared the silence. It would consume me, I thought. The negative thoughts I believed God thought about me, and the negative thoughts I thought about me would literally eat me alive, I would open the flood gates or the dam would burst, and I feared that I would drown in all that had been held back. The anxieties, the neurosis, the being so damn perfect all the time, the hiding, the everything.
But, being surrounded by others who had stillness in their souls slowly wore me down. I came to a point when I had to decide to let the stillness consume me or lose the hope of sanctuary forever. To listen to all the lies so that I could realize the Truth. I spent the next 3 years listening and learning to be beloved. To exude beloved. To believe that I am God's beloved. God wishes not that I lose another pound, that I make a better grade, that I do one more deed, that I have sex more often with my husband, that I clean my house more often, that I take care of yet one more person. Those have been 3 LOOOOONG years. Painful years. Years of silence, slowness. Of falling back into old patterns, and then stopping and removing myself from them. The transition has been all encompassing. It has involved relationships, friendships, music, art, books, school, some church, family, work, therapy. All those realms both affected and were affected by this transformation.
How did this transformation come about? I'd love to say my church, which was a small part of the puzzle, a reinforcer of sorts. But truly, it was psychology and a group of contemplative Christians who have found a home in psychology and therapy because the Church has nowhere else for them to go. My psychology professors have cared for me more than any pastor ever has. They have pastored me, shepherded me, or whatever you want to call it. But they sat and were not bothered by my messes. They didn't fix my messes, but were compassionate yet firm and truthful.
So, I am beloved. No debating its being tattooed just above my ass. And I'm ready to jump back into ministry. Yet, God says wait. Wait some more. I have more to teach you about Me and how beloved you are. It both thrills my soul and frustrates me. The frustrated part is really just concerned about what everyone else is going to think, because I now would give anything to keep tasting the goodness of God and being his beloved.
Jones, in his book is looking for a creative third way to be a Christian, and so am I. He quotes Walker Percy in The Second Coming:
And if the good news is true, why are its public proclaimers such assholes? And the proclamation itself such a weary used up thing?...as unacceptable as believers are, unbelievers are even worse...[the unbeliever] is in fact an insane person....the present day Christian is either half-assed, nominal, lukewarm, hypocritical, sinful, or, if fervent, generally offensive and fanatical. But he is not crazy. The present-day unbeliever is crazy as well as being an asshole--which is why I say he is a bigger asshole than the Christian. Because a crazy asshole is worse than a sane asshole....the rest of my life...shall be devoted to a search for a third alternative, a tertium quid--if there is one. If not, we are stuck with two alternatives: 1.) believers, who are intolerable, and 2.) unbelievers who are insane.
Let it be so.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
My Beloved Tattoo
Sorry for the poor quality. This picture was taken with my cell phone. My tattoo was conceived by me, designed my my friend A, and inked by Rich Kocis at Peace of Art Tattoo in Chicago Heights, IL.
Rich, the tattoo guy, is really neat. He became a Christian 8 years ago, and has been in the business for 7 years. I never expected that when I'd get my first tattoo it'd be by a big burly guy who posts pictures of his family all around his art space, along with a scripture verse on a dry erase board, and with him occasionally breaking out in song alone with the praise songs on the sound system.
The amazing thing is that it didn't seem contrived or hokey, but very genuine. It all seemed very fitting because my tattoo is all about my journey over the last 3 years of my life, and accepting that I am God's beloved, and that God loves me not despite my imperfections, but because they are a part of me, who he created. One song, which I didn't recognize, that played throughout the process was about being God' daughter. Hmm. Quite possibly one of the most bizarrely meaningful moments of my life.
Friday, September 01, 2006
His fifteen minutes of fame...
I never knew I was sleeping with a celebrity. Check it out here. Scroll down, he's second on the list. And..go vote!
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