Internship Craziness

I have a sad, hilarious, Chevy Chase comedy type of story to tell you. But I will do it tomorrow, after drinks with some friends. Because tonight, I SO SO SO need those drinks.

Dear Future Me

Dear 5 year old Nicole:

Chill out dear. You're going to be doing this school thing for a long time, so try not to be so intense about it. It's okay that you can't tie your shoes. But they aren't lying to you about how to do it, as you accuse them. Just take a deep breath and trust them. And don't lie to your teacher by having your friend tie your paper shoe for you. She'll find out later that you cheated, and it will be embarrassing.

Dear 8 year old Nicole:

I know that this year really truly ishard. That Julie girl will move away next year and you'll never see her again, so just stick your tongue out at her and move on. Don't be so proud of yourself (see chill out about school advice above).

Dear 9 year old Nicole:

With the school thing? Again, chill out. And getting a B on your behavior folder is okay. And that new girl with the same name? She's going to date your brother for 3 years in the future, so do whatever you can to make her not hate you for the rest of elementary school. That won't be easy. Oh, and don't perm your hair. It's naturally curly. You have my permission to tell your mom that she's crazy and that she doesn't understand because of her stick straight hair.

Dear 11 year old Nicole:

On that one day in the spring? Don't wear white shorts. And do wear underwear. And stay away from that math teacher guy. He's creepy.

Dear 12 year old Nicole:

I love you and I promise life is so much better than 7th grade. Oh, and that other girl named Nicole? Be nice to her even when she makes your life miserable. Remember what I said about her dating your brother in the future? Still true. Still intense about the school thing, it's okay, you are not what you do. Those questions you ask about God...well, everyone asks them. Ask away, he can take it.

Dear 13 year old Nicole:

I love you, and I promise life is so much better than 8th grade. When they ask you if you want to skip this grade, actually consider it before saying no, because this year is going to be a lot harder on you than you could possibly imagine. And don't be in such a hurry to get kissed. It will happen, it will be wonderful, and you have plenty of time for that.

Dear 14 year old Nicole:

Whew, you made it to high school. Enjoy the next 4 years, you're going to do great. (Oh, and have fun with that Matt guy, but don't let yourself think you're going to marry him...that's just silly.) Remember when I said that Nicole girl would date your brother? It's about to happen. Stick up for yourself more, and talk to your brother about how she treats you at school. Actually talk to your brother period, he loves you and will be around for the long haul. She'll go away eventually.


Dear 15 year old Nicole:

Don't date that Michael guy. He's not good for you. And still date that Levi guy, but break up with him a lot sooner..way before you get stupid. And that Nicole girl? Ignore her. Enjoy this time with Ms. Ivens and Ms. Godsey. They'll both die before you're 30 and before you tell them how important they were to the woman you've become. Thank them now, in advance.

Dear 16 year old Nicole:
Didn't you hear me? Break up with the Levi guy. Oh, and when you date Josh to get over Levi? Be nice to him. He's a great guy, even if he's not the one for you. Don't buy that Ford Tempo, it's a piece of crap. Try for a car whose horn works. Spend less time worrying about your hair. It's more beautiful now that it will ever be again. And enjoy those firm thighs. You are beautiful.

Dear 17 year old Nicole:
Don't skip Governor's School to do Junior Miss. Apply for the humanities school instead of the sciences. I promise, you'll be better off. And that Mike guy? That's going to turn into a messy unhealthy thing. Just don't date him. It's better that way. Try being single for awhile. Go ahead and plan a senior trip away with your brother, because that Nicole girl? She's going to burn him and screw you out of a senior trip with all of your friends. Prepare for it. Mostly, they weren't real friends anyway. Be yourself, pleasing others is not what it's cracked up to be.

Dear 18 year old Nicole:

Break up with Mike already. Kiss that guy who is your best friend, because you'll always wonder "what if." Don't join that big box Southern Baptist church, you'll understand why later. Reach out to people more, make your own friends. Stand up to your roommate, she's taking advantage of you. You are special, beautiful, and wonderful, and no matter what stupid things you do, tell your parents, they'll still love you. Oh, and that Mike guy? Kick him in the balls for me one good time, because he's going to do some things where he deserves that and more.

Dear 19 year old Nicole:

Still no major? Quit worrying. It will all work out, I promise. And don't date that Chad guy either. Try out for the softball team. You probably could have done it. And take a psychology class already. Oh, and it's called PCOS, you're not crazy, you have an illness that is treatable.

Dear 20 year old Nicole:
This year is going to be a good one. Have fun with that guy you're dating, he's going to be an awesome husband. Enjoy flag football this year, you're going to win the championship. Grow out your bangs. Try to relax and be yourself. I know it's hard. This school thing? You're still intense, just let it go a little.

Dear 21 year old Nicole:
Spend less time planning your wedding and more time having fun. Again, Grow out your bangs. I'm glad you're getting healthy, but focus more on how great you feel and less on how much you weigh. Grow out your bangs. Go to therapy more consistently, you're going to need it in the coming years. That school you visited near Chicago? Quit worrying about getting in, it's going to happen and it will be some of the best years of your life. Yes, you're marrying the right man.


More later....

Shitty Day

(One of) My best friend's boyfriend broke up with her. My dad's coworker's daughter died in a car accident. So my dad called to say how much he loved me. He's calling my brother, too. My brother is struggling with his depression. (One of) My (other) best friend's brothers took his own life about a year ago. I had a client yesterday whose brother took his own life.

Life is hard.

I'm going to go cry and be with best friend the first.

How My Faith Impacts My Clinical Work

I am grateful for God’s provision in my life in the form of Christian parents, a Church that provided for spiritual parenting, and a rural small-town upbringing that protected me from experiencing many of the more painful realities of this world. Yet, like all parents, although the Church was “good enough,” I came away with my own set of wounds. Along with the messages of justice, faithfulness, and holiness, I took away from my religious upbringing the quality of being judgmental, an emphasis on impression management, and more fear than freedom.

All of this was transformed over the past five years that I have spent in graduate school. During this time, I came to a new faith experience through mourning the losses of my life and entering into my disillusionment. God has painfully yet lovingly stripped from me my false self, and invited me to enter into a relationship with Him that is based on honesty and genuineness. My journey to accepting that I am God’s beloved has been a difficult and ongoing struggle to know my self so that I might be able to better know God. Because of my unbelief, I had my very name, “beloved” permanently tattooed on my physical body, so that the identity I struggle to daily accept cannot be denied.

This experience of God, as a lover of my true self, has been instrumental in how I view the context of therapy. Based on this understanding of God, therapy becomes a journey toward self-knowledge, health, and restored relationships for patients. Regardless of our respective belief systems, when I enter into a relationship with a patient, I bring my true and authentic self. I reflect who a patient is so that she can see and discover her true self. By understanding and knowing the self, a patient learns about the Creator through studying the creation. Balancing grace with truth, therapy is a place to ‘bind up the broken hearted and to set captives free.’ Because of my beliefs, therapy becomes a journey of faith where change is assumed, innovation is expected, and rebirth is welcomed. Rather than reacting out of fear, I rest in my identity in Christ, able to come alongside patients as they wrestle with and through the questions of life and God.

God also calls us to mirror His creativity. Beauty, art, and imagination are instrumental in this process of knowing and being known. These mediums are understood as coming from the Creator and as a means to better experience, express, and understand the various aspect of ourselves, others, and God. Thus, therapy also becomes a space where I encourage patients to explore creative means of knowing and engaging the self through art therapy, mindfulness, contemplative practices, or role play.

I appreciate that God equally values the individual self and the community of multiple selves in relationship. God, whose nature is relational, calls us to live in a community of people where individuals can bring their full selves in order to both know others and be known in such fullness. I strive to provide such an experience in the therapy room so that patients may go out and engage in healthier relationships, participating in the narrative that God is telling through scripture, history, and experience by fully engaging in their communities.

Busy Bee

I've been busy writing internship applications, so I had to go into the archives for something. The archives being this folder from my undergrad years labeled "personal diatribes." The excerpt below is from a critical editorial I wrote of my undergrad experience, as if the president of our university had to live the life of one of the ugrad students.

After filling his tummy with yummy goo, our President could then make his way to class. If he’s lucky, he’ll have a professor that does his job extremely well and will leave feeling educated and fulfilled. Nevertheless, there is the likely possibility that the class will be taught by an inept grad student or disillusioned professor. In these classes one of three things happens:

1.) The professor has totally lost track of what it was like before he knew all the ins and outs of quantum mechanics. He’ll teach our fine President in incomprehensible terms at warp speed, never checking to see if the entire class is lost. The class average is a 60, but with the curve, everyone will leave with A’s and B’s. No one has learned anything in the course of a semester, but Professor X doesn’t care. He’s too busy working on that $500,000 grant application. (I had a professor tell me this once, in all seriousness.)

2.) This is a very common case. Professor X has tenure and a degree awarded decades ago, without any further education. He has no attendance policy, requires no homework, and gives tests as old and predictable as your grandmother’s 20-year-old cat. Everyone makes wonderful exam scores, but still leave without learning anything.

3.) In this scenario, President Gilley gets a graduate teaching assistant. This wonderful person either a.) knows nothing or b.) knows nothing and thinks that he knows everything. He uses the class as research subjects for his dissertation, cancels class once a week, and gives impossible exams on material never covered in class. In fact, he’s so busy that he doesn’t answer anyone’s emails nor is he ever in his office hours. Even if he were, his office is in South Stadium Hall and his hours are during the President’s classes.