Thank you Streak, Sarah, PsycGrad for your comments. They do help and I often found myself reading them when I began to succumb to the irrational thought that I am crazy and that I should be able to handle all of this much, much better and completely on my own.
My mentor is doing well. He's "toddling" and joking. He's having to relearn stuff, but his humor, his personality is there. His left side is much compromised, but I've been able to see him a lot and we've been able to talk. He calls me his daughter and makes me cry.
My college roommate was in town over the weekend. It was good to bring my best friend from TN together with some of my best friends from IL. It helps make the transition seem better and more fluid. And my friend from TN and I caught up reconnected and drank beers on Lake Michigan on a boat (we weren't navigating, it was a lake cruise you pay for). Thank you God for Leininkugel Berry Weiss and cheap Champagne.
I leave for Europe tomorrow, and I've never needed so badly to get away and to let myself rest and explore and recapture the wonder of God and creation. My mentor has been having a very spiritual experience throughout his strokes. Dreams of God stripping away his pride, asking hymns to be sung, and speaking of what it was like to lie in his backyard for 1/2 an hour near death and how dim this earth looks compared to what lies beyond. It's moving and powerful and good for my often fragile and doubt filled faith in what God is up to in this world.
As I go on my trip, I have to accept that God will take care of all the gaps I fill in my regular life and let go of the pride of thinking that people will go uncared for in my absence. I'm leaving a friend to deal with all of her friends disappearing at once, another is having serious heart problems, and then, my mentor and his family. All of these people do their turns supporting me, too, and I am sad to be off having a great time while I know that they need me like I have so needed them in other times (um, like right now).
What I have learned during the past week plus is that love and relationships are all that matter. I hope my trip makes me able to love more people better. That's my goal.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
It's unfortunate, but I'm not apologizing
Where have I been? Well, it's been a draining semester of a myriad of events, many of them difficult. Because many of these events have been...well, difficult, I have hesitated to blog about them. Some have been too vulnerable while others have been about sensitive information that no online forum would be anonymous enough to divulge. But overall, I have been going from one emotionally draining event from another, and none of them are of my own making.
I do ask for prayers and thoughts and a $20 prayer gift, for which I will send you a prayer rug that I have blessed. (Just kidding..seeing if you were awake). But, I was serious about the prayers and thoughts.
I am not trying to be secretive, neither am I wanting to seek out the pity of others. However, I do think if I list all of these events, I may just feel sorry for myself.
My mentor, friend, and professor who is in his mid 40's had a stroke on Sunday afternoon. A severe one. Then there was emergency brain surgery for the swelling. And all of the people coming to see him, and the him being asleep, and me finally finally getting to see him today (which was so hard but such a blessing). This man has been a dear friend, supervisor, and mentor, and I am heartbroken for him right now and how hard it is for him to be dependent and the unknown nature of his recovery for him, and for his wife and son whom I also know and love. For four years I have been his teaching assistant, his "right hand" (his description). He is my "second dad" and I feel so bad for leaving in a week to go to Europe, for leaving in 7 weeks to move hundreds of miles away at a time when he really does need an extra hand, because his left side is paralyzed (but improving).
He is still himself, joking, talking, although more slowly and interspersed with naps. My heart breaks. I make myself get up early so that I get some time alone with him before the crowds come to visit him, so he can tell me the things that he wants me to know. The Wednesday before his stroke, we had a "goodbye" lunch, where tears were shed and how much we have meant to each other was spoken, where we said out loud what we had seen and experienced over 4 years of working, laughing, doing therapy, and learning together. I am so thankful for those 2 hours now, and for the hours I know we're going to have in the future. But for now, my heart breaks.
And, our department chair is in the same hospital, with artery issues and likely facing surgery in the coming week, as well. He is intensely private, but kind and gentle. So, although I by no means am as close to him, the intense upset to our department and my community is overwhelming.
All of this follows on the heels of the internship process and saying goodbye to everything that has been our life these past 5 years. My grandmother being seriously ill and near death (but she's recovering very well now, praise God!). A closest friend having some hard stuff, and then being very hurtful to the point I had to step away in a time when I should be clinging to her. The departure of a professor under dubious circumstance of which I was informed and that put me in a weird between faculty and students and friends/colleagues/coworkers/supervisors situation. A close professor having breast cancer, and the increased load this placed on the aforementioned prof. Excruciatingly painful end of the year, saying goodbye issues compounded by the painful things I was dealing with regarding the friend I mentioned before. Difficult situations with my practicum site and with a clinical training personnel that have resulted in my having to use my voice to speak up and give hard feedback to superiors (but that has been received well and that I have been supported in). And finally, sending my husband off to Europe this morning for work, to see him again in 9 days when we will meet in Brussels.
I do ask for prayers and thoughts and a $20 prayer gift, for which I will send you a prayer rug that I have blessed. (Just kidding..seeing if you were awake). But, I was serious about the prayers and thoughts.
I am not trying to be secretive, neither am I wanting to seek out the pity of others. However, I do think if I list all of these events, I may just feel sorry for myself.
My mentor, friend, and professor who is in his mid 40's had a stroke on Sunday afternoon. A severe one. Then there was emergency brain surgery for the swelling. And all of the people coming to see him, and the him being asleep, and me finally finally getting to see him today (which was so hard but such a blessing). This man has been a dear friend, supervisor, and mentor, and I am heartbroken for him right now and how hard it is for him to be dependent and the unknown nature of his recovery for him, and for his wife and son whom I also know and love. For four years I have been his teaching assistant, his "right hand" (his description). He is my "second dad" and I feel so bad for leaving in a week to go to Europe, for leaving in 7 weeks to move hundreds of miles away at a time when he really does need an extra hand, because his left side is paralyzed (but improving).
He is still himself, joking, talking, although more slowly and interspersed with naps. My heart breaks. I make myself get up early so that I get some time alone with him before the crowds come to visit him, so he can tell me the things that he wants me to know. The Wednesday before his stroke, we had a "goodbye" lunch, where tears were shed and how much we have meant to each other was spoken, where we said out loud what we had seen and experienced over 4 years of working, laughing, doing therapy, and learning together. I am so thankful for those 2 hours now, and for the hours I know we're going to have in the future. But for now, my heart breaks.
And, our department chair is in the same hospital, with artery issues and likely facing surgery in the coming week, as well. He is intensely private, but kind and gentle. So, although I by no means am as close to him, the intense upset to our department and my community is overwhelming.
All of this follows on the heels of the internship process and saying goodbye to everything that has been our life these past 5 years. My grandmother being seriously ill and near death (but she's recovering very well now, praise God!). A closest friend having some hard stuff, and then being very hurtful to the point I had to step away in a time when I should be clinging to her. The departure of a professor under dubious circumstance of which I was informed and that put me in a weird between faculty and students and friends/colleagues/coworkers/supervisors situation. A close professor having breast cancer, and the increased load this placed on the aforementioned prof. Excruciatingly painful end of the year, saying goodbye issues compounded by the painful things I was dealing with regarding the friend I mentioned before. Difficult situations with my practicum site and with a clinical training personnel that have resulted in my having to use my voice to speak up and give hard feedback to superiors (but that has been received well and that I have been supported in). And finally, sending my husband off to Europe this morning for work, to see him again in 9 days when we will meet in Brussels.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Looking for Music Suggestions...
I volunteered to make the year-end slide show for my department's banquet. I actually enjoy this kind of thing, and it's an easy way for me to give something to the department and actually enjoy it. I especially enjoy the humor aspect of the job. One year I diagnosed all of the faculty with various inane but funny disorders. This year, I am mulling over the ideas of how to poke appropriate fun at our facult. But, I'm struggling with what songs to put with the pictures. The struggle is that the songs need to be publicly acceptable...probably meaning no cursing. An unusually high number of my songs that I feel fit all say some combination of "Fuck," "Fuck the president," or "Fuck the war." Um, that's probably not very nice to a group of diverse adults who may or may not agree with me.
Although we are a Christian school, I do think that my psychologist classmates could handle the rare damn, hell, or shit. Any ideas? The slide show is usually about 15-20 minutes, so I have some leeway with a broad range of songs. I typically go from a funny, upbeat feel to a more serious, saying goodbye tone. What suggestions do you have?
Although we are a Christian school, I do think that my psychologist classmates could handle the rare damn, hell, or shit. Any ideas? The slide show is usually about 15-20 minutes, so I have some leeway with a broad range of songs. I typically go from a funny, upbeat feel to a more serious, saying goodbye tone. What suggestions do you have?
Contemplating Contemplation
Instead of fasting in some way during the Lenten season, I added a discipline. That discipline was attending liturgical services. I chose a local charismatic liturgical church that is part of the Anglican Mission in America. Over and over again, I was struck by the centeredness and closeness to God that I experienced, in large part due to the sensuousness of the services. The smell of the incense, the taste of real wine served as communion, the feel of oil on my head as I was being anointed and prayed for...
Having grown up in Evangelical traditions that largely focus on Scripture and less on history, tradition, and experience (to the point of being relatively suspicious of those aspects of faith), I was deeply impacted by the meaning in the rituals of liturgical worship. There is something about reciting creeds that were written and agreed upon by the Church centuries (and sometimes millenia) ago. I noticed that I had to draw more upon my theology training more often than I do in most other churches, engaging my mind to actually consider what it means to be part of "one holy, catholic Church." I had to think about God, "from whom no thing is hid." I thought more often about how I had sinned by "what we have done and what we have left undone."
I was moved by the focus on the Eucharist. This, a sacred ritual given to us by our Saviour, was savored and focused upon. It was especially moving to be served communion by one of my best friends. Recieving "the blood of Christ, the cup of salvation" from someone from whom I have experienced love, grace, and friendship the past 5 years often brought me to tears. I loved the slow and steady pace, the cadence of the liturgy, and frequent silences allowed me space to breathe, pray, and listen to God.
Then there was the experience of Palm Sunday, with an actual processional and palm leaves. Everything seemed so tangible and real, the feel of the palm as I waved it, the cold of the March air in my lungs as we stood outside, hearing the music as the cross passed us by. As we recited the liturgy and as a memeber of the congregation, I had to also say, "Crucify him," it gave me chills.
The 40 days culminated with a 4 hour (yes, 4 hour) Easter Vigil. A somber service led into a joyous celebration. Banners unfurled, reading Alleluia. Lilies, tulips, and other spring flowers were brought out on stage. The congregation rang bells, the pastor danced on stage in his robes, the people danced in the aisles with ribbons, as we all shook our bells in jingling unison, singing hymns of celebration. One of my favorites...
I sang until I was hoarse, hundreds of people gathered in the name of Jesus Christ, celebrating until past 11pm on a Saturday night, keeping vigil. Celebrating that while we are sinful, while we continue to hurt and exploit others, while we all act out of selfishness, while we all hurt and are blind to the hurt around us, Christ has conquered death to bring us hope and to deliever us from our failings and bring us to God. Alleleuia. May we live out our hope and peace more and more every day.
Having grown up in Evangelical traditions that largely focus on Scripture and less on history, tradition, and experience (to the point of being relatively suspicious of those aspects of faith), I was deeply impacted by the meaning in the rituals of liturgical worship. There is something about reciting creeds that were written and agreed upon by the Church centuries (and sometimes millenia) ago. I noticed that I had to draw more upon my theology training more often than I do in most other churches, engaging my mind to actually consider what it means to be part of "one holy, catholic Church." I had to think about God, "from whom no thing is hid." I thought more often about how I had sinned by "what we have done and what we have left undone."
I was moved by the focus on the Eucharist. This, a sacred ritual given to us by our Saviour, was savored and focused upon. It was especially moving to be served communion by one of my best friends. Recieving "the blood of Christ, the cup of salvation" from someone from whom I have experienced love, grace, and friendship the past 5 years often brought me to tears. I loved the slow and steady pace, the cadence of the liturgy, and frequent silences allowed me space to breathe, pray, and listen to God.
Then there was the experience of Palm Sunday, with an actual processional and palm leaves. Everything seemed so tangible and real, the feel of the palm as I waved it, the cold of the March air in my lungs as we stood outside, hearing the music as the cross passed us by. As we recited the liturgy and as a memeber of the congregation, I had to also say, "Crucify him," it gave me chills.
The 40 days culminated with a 4 hour (yes, 4 hour) Easter Vigil. A somber service led into a joyous celebration. Banners unfurled, reading Alleluia. Lilies, tulips, and other spring flowers were brought out on stage. The congregation rang bells, the pastor danced on stage in his robes, the people danced in the aisles with ribbons, as we all shook our bells in jingling unison, singing hymns of celebration. One of my favorites...
Open up the doors and let the music play
Let the streets resound with singing
Songs that bring Your hope
Songs that bring Your joy
Dancers who dance upon injustice
I sang until I was hoarse, hundreds of people gathered in the name of Jesus Christ, celebrating until past 11pm on a Saturday night, keeping vigil. Celebrating that while we are sinful, while we continue to hurt and exploit others, while we all act out of selfishness, while we all hurt and are blind to the hurt around us, Christ has conquered death to bring us hope and to deliever us from our failings and bring us to God. Alleleuia. May we live out our hope and peace more and more every day.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Inspiration
Inspired by Maggie over at MightyGirl, I have started a list of 100 things that I want to accomplish in my life. The inspiration probably also comes from the antidepressants that I recently began taking. Better living through more serotonin. I feel like myself for the first time in years, in ways that I hadn't even noticed had slipped away. Enough of my troubles..here's the list...
1. Travel to all 7 continents (3 down after this summer)
2. Set foot in all 50 states
3. Give birth to at least one child
4. Adopt at least one child
5. Live in an historic home (>100 years old)
6. Live outside the United States
7. Backcountry camp
8. Visit all the national parks
9. Start a not for profit
10. Write thank you notes to important people in my life (friends, teachers, relatives)
11. Make a quilt
12. Take my children on an international vacation
13. Go on a spiritual retreat once every five years
14. Spend a day in silence
15. Fast for more than a day
16. Write a book
17. Get published in a professional publication
18. Provide therapy for free
19. Raise an organic garden
20. Plant fruit trees and bushes
21. Visit Greece (AGAIN)
22. Learn another language
23. Tithe
24. Make a large stained glass window
25. Compete in a 5k or a triathlon
26. Read the entire Bible
27. Read a great novel every year
28. Have sex on the beach
29. Own a dog
30. Provide a home for a homeless person
31. Serve in some sort of ministry always
32. Take a road trip with my best friends every couple of years
33. Do something selfless for my husband
34. Create a new tradition for my family
35. Do a gift-free Christmas
36. Raise a cow for meat.
37. Own a goat, and milk it for all it’s worth.
38. Make goat cheese.
39. Slaughter a chicken
40. Raise chickens for their eggs
41. Lose 20 lbs. and keep it off.
42. Breastfeed a child (my own!)
43. Play softball competitively again
44. Coach a kids’ sports team
45. Anonymously pay for someone’s meal at a restaurant
46. Donate something meaningful to my tiny hometown.
47. Forgive those who have hurt me.
48. Keep a journal.
49. Go snow skiing.
50. Tell my story to whomever asks, without apologies.
1. Travel to all 7 continents (3 down after this summer)
2. Set foot in all 50 states
3. Give birth to at least one child
4. Adopt at least one child
5. Live in an historic home (>100 years old)
6. Live outside the United States
7. Backcountry camp
8. Visit all the national parks
9. Start a not for profit
10. Write thank you notes to important people in my life (friends, teachers, relatives)
11. Make a quilt
12. Take my children on an international vacation
13. Go on a spiritual retreat once every five years
14. Spend a day in silence
15. Fast for more than a day
16. Write a book
17. Get published in a professional publication
18. Provide therapy for free
19. Raise an organic garden
20. Plant fruit trees and bushes
21. Visit Greece (AGAIN)
22. Learn another language
23. Tithe
24. Make a large stained glass window
25. Compete in a 5k or a triathlon
26. Read the entire Bible
27. Read a great novel every year
28. Have sex on the beach
29. Own a dog
30. Provide a home for a homeless person
31. Serve in some sort of ministry always
32. Take a road trip with my best friends every couple of years
33. Do something selfless for my husband
34. Create a new tradition for my family
35. Do a gift-free Christmas
36. Raise a cow for meat.
37. Own a goat, and milk it for all it’s worth.
38. Make goat cheese.
39. Slaughter a chicken
40. Raise chickens for their eggs
41. Lose 20 lbs. and keep it off.
42. Breastfeed a child (my own!)
43. Play softball competitively again
44. Coach a kids’ sports team
45. Anonymously pay for someone’s meal at a restaurant
46. Donate something meaningful to my tiny hometown.
47. Forgive those who have hurt me.
48. Keep a journal.
49. Go snow skiing.
50. Tell my story to whomever asks, without apologies.
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