Curmudgeonly

This is how I'm feeling. When one feels this way the only proper response is to talk about for what I am thankful. These days I feel so negative, jilted, and focused on the negative.

I am thankful:

•For the beautiful roses that I bought for myself sitting on the sideboard. Every time I pass them, I literally stop to see/smell/feel/experience the roses. It’s a fleeting moment of centering that I so need right now.

•The closet in our office is organized and neat.

•The exercise of climbing a hill over and over and over only for the joy of zooming down it on a sled with my husband this evening. The cold body, wet pants, snow in the face, tingling skin feeling of winter fun.

•Having so many good choices about internship that I can say no to some sites, and still feel like next year is a gift, with or without an internship.

•Two cats named Zuzu and Pippin who snuggle in my lap.

•For the opportunity to feed, change, burp, and put a baby to bed this week.

•That I have the luxury of having someone else clean my home during this crazy time in my life.

•For having so many friends whom I love and who love me.

•For a husband who does the taxes. And laundry. And the dishes.

•For new people, old people, happy people, sad people, and all types of people who are in our lives.

•For clients who are discovering themselves and who let me weep, cry, laugh, pray, and walk on this journey with them.

•For rain.

•That I get to study something I absolutely am passionate about.

•I have plenty of food, a warm home, clothing, and books.

•I am beloved.

•Travel.

•A moment’s peace, a family who loves me incompletely but adequately, and an existence that feels purposeful.

•For the words of God, that I have accessible to me, and that can speak regardless of my lack of understanding of theology.

•For my body.

•For faith in the midst of doubt.

•For rest, sleep, and surrender.

Who am I?

Today, I was talking with some Master's program students, and we were discussing what are good reasons and what are not good reasons to apply to a doctoral program, and specifically the doctoral program at our school. They were asking me about what I was juggling, my school and practicum responsiblities, mission work, TA hours, etc.

One of the ladies turned and looked at me, and she said, "But you seem so calm, and you're sitting here taking time to talk with us, when you have so much you could be doing." Wow! I almost had to stop and ask if she was talking to me, because based on the person I have been for the first 26 years of my life, those are not reflections that I would expect. But that is me now, and I am this recently calm, almost serene person. It's amazing the work that Christ has done in my life, making me this new person whom I have to get to know all over again.

Life is crazy insane, swirling all around me, but in most moments I have a peace that I have never had before. It's amazing the faithfulness of God. Look at me! Using God talk type of language that I usually avoid. I almost hesitate to talk of these feelings and this experience because religious language and concepts have been abused by many in my past to produce trite answers and fake joy. But, I don't want to deny that this change is not my own, that's for sure.

So, what the heck. Peace be with you.